Being Alive

The past year gave me flatlines, ER’s and heart attacks. I was on the edge barely breathing. I almost threw in the towel and retire my running shoes. I never thought I’d make it until the 31^st of December and even step on to a new year. It was the year I almost never stopped crying. When you wake up everyday and you feel a pinch in your heart. Everyday was a feat… it was the year when each day was offered early to God asking him to be the sturdy crutches… for I was losing my grip…

Then He told me to choose between being disabled and facing the truth then giving in for treatment. I became my own patient… my own counselee.

I can’t find any other word to describe the magnanimity in the hardness of it all… Yet it was a year better than the last. It was one of my most meaningful years. It was something I won’t forget. I had too much of everything.

The past year made me think it would be the end yet it was at the end of the year that I felt alive and just simply continually breathing.

After succumbing to solo backpack trips and “tunganga” moments, surrendering to contemplative prayer,  cooking more, unceasing prayer for others and finally sustaining running days & eating healthier… I woke up one day feeling alive. As if I have awoken to a big deep sleep. A big sleep where my inner soul was transported to a different dimension under a dialogue and reconstruction with only one being– the Lord. 

After sifting through my own heart and seeing who I am, accepting my own cross and patiently seeking His voice… my eyes were open. It is as if darkness faded and I suddenly saw the light. Finally, my baggage was taken from me and I felt alive… and all that emotion that was clotting my blood was sucked out.  I know there are still bits and pieces of it left but I now trust the Lord more…

I won’t forget how hard I cried feeling as if I am dead and how hard I cried feeling that I am alive again… By the time fireworks were lighting up the skies that last night of 2011 and first morn of 2012… tears rolled down my cheeks… I whispered… thank You Lord for making me a survivor…

Now all I can do is keep breathing because just at that same time I feel it in my heart… You are watching over me, I simply have to trust you and that you are true to your promises. You became my bestest friend this year Lord… You patiently led my hand for a whole year. I can’t explain but a lot has changed within me.

I don’t need to ask what made me survive it all… You were my vitamins that kept me alive.

“You called and shouted broke through my deafness… now I’m breathing in and breathing out…

I’M ALIVE AGAIN!

You shattered my darkness, washed away my blindness…now I’m breathing in and breathing out…

 I’M ALIVE AGAIN!”

-mattmaher

*photo taken at Iba, Zambales Dec. 31, 2011