The Barefoot Princess...

An early day felt cold and quiet… the barefoot princess found herself in the dessert once again and felt tears welling up inside her.  

The barefoot princess has walked by this endless road a million times before but there’s something here that she can’t explain. She knew that as this year started, it will be a year of decisions. A year of clearing the hazy path she’s been having the past year. Again, she was prodded to go back and think… to seek His path for her and to realize what He wants for her… she needs to see a way out of this dessert.

The barefoot princess was told it’s time to act and prepare. She is being asked to put down something in exchange for that. Now what that is she doesn’t know. She’s been staring at nothing since last night, thinking what will she lay down in exchange of knowing where the road for her is. She feels the grainy sand beneath her feet and it’s hurting her.

She asked the King… “Where are you leading me? Could you point the way out? I feel thirsty and I don’t want to be in this sandy road. My feet’s all bruised up. Please bring me out of here or soon I’ll die with no water and food.” The barefoot princess pleas for food, water and a way out… crying hard that she finds what she needs to see.

Just as she was succumbing to passing out and woozing out, the King then scoops her up in His arms blew a breeze of fresh air towards her closed eyes….

 “My daughter, yes you are the barefoot princess now wandering about the grainy sand. You may be thirsty wandering where the well is, where the way out is, where your own path is. Be assured that the dessert is not as dry as you thought it is.  Thirsty? Hungry? All bruised up? I will provide the fish, the bread, the well and road for you. Just hold on. Remember, there is an oasis by the dessert… you’ll come to that.” My barefoot princess… my daughter, keep holding on to your faith… walk on. Continue to trust in me even if everything seems forlorn. You are almost there. My strength will keep you up. You know my voice and you know my heart… The miracle is coming.”

The barefoot princess realized, miracles still do happen… she doesn’t know how the King will work it out for her but she will continue to hold on and bear the pain of the grainy and hot sand beneath her feet while in her own dessert. She decided to hold on as the King leads her to the well, to her miracle.

I am the barefoot princess… and I decided to run through the dessert with the power of my Father… I don’t know how but He is bigger than all of this. I will hold tight.

** Inspired by words from Luke 9:12-17 when Jesus fed the 5,000 with just 2 fish and 5 loaves of bread. 

The Fusion Chef

I call him the "Fusion Chef"... errr... actually he's known to be the Chief Nurse... so might as well call him the "Fusion Chef Nurse". Just the title gives one an idea that he's a man of all sorts. No confusion but he's passionate with his profession yet he loves to cook and he's got a weird taste bud that loves to mix food together and discover what tastes good and not, giving grimace a run for his money.

So why am i blogging about this? We share the same passion for food. And i love to see him eat since it wouldn't be good for me to eat as much as he does...

What's interesting about this dish though, as our main lead for today... is you would never guess what comes with that pork. This piece of protein was seasoned in soy sauce, fish sauce, salt, ketchup, pepper, “magic sarap”(pinoy spice) and ham seasoning. I have never mixed fish sauce and soy sauce in my life. But the Chef Nurse did, which makes this a fusion dish. Mixing spices and seasonings is very critical in the kitchen. You have to know what you’re mixing together to make sure your dish won’t end up in the bin. As far as I can remember, 9 out 10 of the fusions the chef nurse did made sense… made good sense. So I am convinced he’s worthy to be given the title. I never have expected that mixing adobo (a famous Filipino dish) and spicy anssung noodles (Korean dish) would taste like a corn dish and turn out to be good. You’d know a dish would taste good if you hear him say “there’s a woah! Factor”

Seriously… fusion may be critical and the end product would really be a risk. But you would never know how it would taste if you won’t take a bold step to take it. In life… here goes the serious part… fusion is not bad at all. Reflecting on this fusion dish, the fusion chef and my life… this has something to do with contradictions. I love contradictions! It is the mixture of good and bad and the coming together of extreme joy and heart-quenching pain. In our life… things are not all that smooth. Even God didn’t promise a life that is smooth-sailing. Our journey is simply learning to cope and finding how to battle through it all. One would never learn that without the right perspective and connection with the Father.

Our God is not only present in the good and happy times… one simply have to learn to discover the beauty of God’s comfort even in pain. This I have to be reminded of everyday. Even in the dark moments of our soul, we can find good things in it. We can feel His healing embrace and His touch that gives us hope. I’m a sucker for pain, crying and dealing with the hard times in my life. I get the most out of them. Not just being emotional or being over-analytical… simply reflecting and seeing that everything that happens in my life, may it be a product of my own bad decisions or something out of my control, it will contribute in how my character is being shaped. All that happens in my life – pain or joy, failures or victories, are weaved into how the Lord wanted me to fulfill my purpose. The key here is daily re-aligning our heart to Him. That we may gently get in through the fusion of it all.

Fusion happens. It is a part of our life. And getting to know the Fusion Chef Nurse made me realize a lot of things. Even getting this close to the fusion chef is amazing. We may live in different planes but somehow there's a common denominator that fuses us. I didn't even realize he's different from the way I thought he'd be hadn't I taken a leap to know him better. He surprises me each day. He may not know it but his fusion-ness is a reminder for me to enjoy life with the Lord no matter what comes… that there is always hope… that there is every reason to say “hooray for today!” Our journey involves taking risks and then being surprised that the end would give us reasons to jump and be happy. Failures may come but there is always another chance. A chef masters his own signature dish if when his first try gives a bad result… there is another chance to eliminate the seasoning or spice he shouldn’t add. The chef simply learns and cooks all over again.

The fusion chef nurse told me that he was surprised the pork turned out good and the skin tasted well as if you’re not eating any of its fat portion. I am simply thankful that we have a good God. That He continually gives us surprises no matter how bleak our days may seem or how risky our steps may be. God is a God of surprises. The key here is connecting our lives to Him. We have to do that everyday… or else, we will be caught up in the fusion of everything that happens in our journey and we end up in confusion. Armed with God’s hand… I would rather be in the fusion of it all. Happy eating! 

Being Alive

The past year gave me flatlines, ER’s and heart attacks. I was on the edge barely breathing. I almost threw in the towel and retire my running shoes. I never thought I’d make it until the 31^st of December and even step on to a new year. It was the year I almost never stopped crying. When you wake up everyday and you feel a pinch in your heart. Everyday was a feat… it was the year when each day was offered early to God asking him to be the sturdy crutches… for I was losing my grip…

Then He told me to choose between being disabled and facing the truth then giving in for treatment. I became my own patient… my own counselee.

I can’t find any other word to describe the magnanimity in the hardness of it all… Yet it was a year better than the last. It was one of my most meaningful years. It was something I won’t forget. I had too much of everything.

The past year made me think it would be the end yet it was at the end of the year that I felt alive and just simply continually breathing.

After succumbing to solo backpack trips and “tunganga” moments, surrendering to contemplative prayer,  cooking more, unceasing prayer for others and finally sustaining running days & eating healthier… I woke up one day feeling alive. As if I have awoken to a big deep sleep. A big sleep where my inner soul was transported to a different dimension under a dialogue and reconstruction with only one being– the Lord. 

After sifting through my own heart and seeing who I am, accepting my own cross and patiently seeking His voice… my eyes were open. It is as if darkness faded and I suddenly saw the light. Finally, my baggage was taken from me and I felt alive… and all that emotion that was clotting my blood was sucked out.  I know there are still bits and pieces of it left but I now trust the Lord more…

I won’t forget how hard I cried feeling as if I am dead and how hard I cried feeling that I am alive again… By the time fireworks were lighting up the skies that last night of 2011 and first morn of 2012… tears rolled down my cheeks… I whispered… thank You Lord for making me a survivor…

Now all I can do is keep breathing because just at that same time I feel it in my heart… You are watching over me, I simply have to trust you and that you are true to your promises. You became my bestest friend this year Lord… You patiently led my hand for a whole year. I can’t explain but a lot has changed within me.

I don’t need to ask what made me survive it all… You were my vitamins that kept me alive.

“You called and shouted broke through my deafness… now I’m breathing in and breathing out…

I’M ALIVE AGAIN!

You shattered my darkness, washed away my blindness…now I’m breathing in and breathing out…

 I’M ALIVE AGAIN!”

-mattmaher

*photo taken at Iba, Zambales Dec. 31, 2011

My Brief Monastic Life

THE 1^ST CUP

I was surprised to see a wedding at the monastery that early afternoon after taking my first cup of the most famous monks’ brew. I was just starting to take everything in and I felt so privileged. I have reviewed the monk’s prayer schedules and felt excited to spend those quiet moments with them. And finally, I have taken my first 3-hour sleep after 32 hours of being awake with only a 10min nap during the 3-hour bus ride to Bukidnon and an hour of not-deep-sleep in the plane ride to Cagayan de Oro.

The first bell I heard at 4.45pm signaled the time for Vespers – an evening prayer. I went up the monastery with 2 other retreatants and a warm & loving nun, sister Marily who was staying over for the weekend with her sisters.

Brother Ethiel, a novice monk who entered the postulate 3 months ago with 2 other postulants, was assigned that week to assist the retreatants. He handed over to me two songbooks… so I thought there would be quiet singing or maybe soft worship. I was appalled as the vespers began.

How in the world have I forgotten that the monks chant their prayers. I have listened to lauds and abbey choirs during my pray-as-you-go moments and have admired the Celtics… how then could I have not anticipated the chants.

It was a very special vesper for me. it was my first vesper ever. By 7pm, I attend the Vigil, the night prayer done on eve of Sundays. And so of course we chanted again the prayers until it was time for silence in the rooms. With my sneezing and loud blowing of nose (I had nose allergy remember), I started Dr. Ado’s guided retreat for me. As I wrote in my journal that night, I let it all out. The cry I have been suppressing for many months now came out… I cried for forgiveness and being able to forgive. I cried pains & complains, I cried for pleas and peace… there, in the quiet solitude of my room up the mountains with the night lamp on… I cried like a child.

FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS

That Saturday night, my first night… Sr. Marilyn asked me if I’ll attend LAUDS early morning the next day… I said yes. If it’s going to start at 4am, she said she’ll have to pass. But I was decided to do so even if prayer begins at 3am.

That was what I told myself before I went to bed. As my alarm rung was a different story. After the alarm woke me up at 4am I immediately switched it off deciding I should just sleep off the lauds just like Sr. Marilyn since I was really tired from the long travel and hard cry that night. By 5am… another story began. The big chrome bell by the monastery rang so loud that I felt it was pushing me out of my bed. Little by little the bell rang louder… I hurried when I heard a soft noise from the room Sr. Marlyn shared with her sisters and thought… if she’ll attend the early morning prayer… I’ll be there too. I hurriedly bathe and prepared while another bell (in a different tone) rang in harmony with the first bell. Two big bells are now calling me! I felt like Cinderella who wanted to despise the clock for pushing her around to start work. I made the flight up the monastery praying my nose wouldn’t cat up until the bell stopped.

I was a few minutes late that morning. Yet the prayer was memorable. My nose didn’t act up. And I felt a wonderful morning breeze as the sun rises.


God’s love is wonderful… He is merciful, even if we don’t live up to being worthy… He continually gives good things…. reflections from being tardy that morning… and I swore it won’t happen again. 

My Brief Monastic Life

THE ASCENT

Inspired by Phileena’s book, me – a mountain climber in m own right and a pilgrim by heart, wished Dom Elias just told me to walk towards the monastery from the front gate instead of instructing me to take the multi cab. After meeting a family before I headed to the road towards the monastery, I took a habal-habal instead which is way cheaper and which suited the adventurous me. the driver can’t speak fluent Filipino so we both picked up whatever word we could distinguish from each other. And just as my instincts have prodded me, he dropped me off at the old monastery which was nowhere near the new monastery and guest house where I was to go. Following signs and instructions from the people at the gift shop by the gate, I took on the road towards the new monastery and I smiled as I saw from afar it’s roof that pointed towards the heavens. It was beautiful even from afar. But as I walked on, I realized the road was longer that I appeared to be and I began to wonder if I was still on the right way. Nevertheless I walked on smiling and sighing… so I got what I wanted – a long walk up from the gate, after all. It was a rough-3km hike!

The walk was breath taking. I saw golden rice fields, pine trees (my favorite) and other crops and plants as if welcoming me before I enter what would be my sanctuary. Tired, perspiring but excited upon reaching the top… there it was in front of me. A sight any architect would drool over, a sanctuary that would stop any pilgrim’s breath. There’s something about this place and the atmosphere that told me… “we’ve been waiting for you”… & I whispered… “Shalom to me”… then I decided… it is time to rest.

My Brief Monastic Life

PROLOGUE: Bold as Coffee, Great as Heaven

I finally had to take this trip after postponing it for 2 months due to time & financial constraints. My world has been caving in on me and within that time delay, my reserved energy is acting up yet all the more I held on to God’s strength and power until I journey up the mountains of Bukidnon.

It is my first time to go off somewhere with no other agenda but to be by myself, be quiet, sing alone and be away from the noise of my life for a week… on my own for a week.

It was a brave act for me to take the early 3am flight and rely on whatever I have researched in the net on how I’ll be doing this trip. This could be exciting, I thought to myself… but at the same time afraid that I may not make the wisest choices for my meager budget. But since it’s happening now, I know this is God’s right timing and everything will work out fine.

It was a Bold move I had to take for my sanity. The nose allergy I had been having for some days due to stress (I knew the symptoms!) needed distressing.

I needed the stillness and peace of heaven and the comfort of coffee.