Broken to Serve...

It took more than just a tear drop to ask the Lord “why me?” I intended it not to sound as if I’m angry at Him… no I’m not. I just wanted to know the purpose… the why…

I can say that in the area of brokenness, and pain… I’m an expert. Ask me about it and I can recount to you countless moments when I cried, fell on my knees and spent days and nights alone just talking to Him and imagining my head on His lap. Maybe He enjoyed that moment of my undivided attention so it kept coming.

But sometimes it’s just soo hard to fall and realize you’re left feeling unworthy of everything. And I don’t know how to explain it all but in the middle of tears and sobs, I hear Him calling me for something. Isn’t that a little ironic? The more I am broken the more I can hear His voice…

My quiet talks with Him lately, and reflective moments (that comes with age), made me see who I am in front of Him. It made me analyze the wrong turns that I’ve taken and those times that I took the wheel of my life from Him. Plus the circumstances of disobedience… Each day He makes me see the real cost of being a disciple and follower. Learning from the lives of those whom He has chosen in the New Testament, I saw just how unworthy I am to be called. But they learned… and now I should learn from it too. I should take those characteristics and use it in the context of how I’m living my life.

Reading their lives and how the Lord called them sounded so easy… but as I experience this character & heart clean-up by the Lord, it can never be harder than how it was for Peter, John, or James then… Now, I have them as examples so I would know what to do… maybe I shouldn’t make it that hard for me… maybe I’m putting too much pressure on myself… am I ? Or am I too laid back?

Just before I wrote this, I read Jesus’ encounter with His disciples while they were trying to catch some fish. It was, I believe, the third time he appeared to them after He raised from the dead. (John 21)… and after that I felt ashamed… I had sooo little trust and sooo big doubts. I doubted that the Lord will work out my life… I’m soo bad… and He talked to me in that chapter! He reminded me that He is bigger than any doubt in my mind. I was even in awe when a woman mentor in church whom I look up a lot to (not to mention listen a lot to) said something to me about the cross. God never fails and He will not forsake us.. He still can do His plan no matter what it caused…He made a move once on the cross to show us His everlasting love for us…my dear...don't despair.

Just seeing the word cross made me bow down in humility… that I am really weak and can’t do anything no matter how hard I work. I have doubts and fears yes, but the great sacrifice He made on the cross is so powerful. That my God is still in control of everything. Isn’t it comforting to know? That He is in-charge of my life no matter what. Oh why couldn’t I trust Him more!!!

The disciples had too much hard encounters with Him. They also had heart-clean-ups. They were broken, they defiled, they had doubts too… but they were called to be His servants. They were asked to obey and to follow because of His love. The love that can surpass the love this empty world has made us see…

I am weak yes, not even worthy of anything… but His great love, as shown on the cross, has made me able to do all these things


I can say I am broken, even have a contrite spirit… but I can hear Him calling me… not just an instrument but a servant… I can feel and see His work in me… I just need strength.

“But God wants people who are broken-hearted, broken-minded, broken-prided”
Oswald Chambers

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted,

and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
Psalm 34:18 (NIV)

Lausanne Younger Leaders Gathering

His Provision & Comfort
Until now I am amazed at how the Lord enabled me to attend the gathering Plus airfare, pocket money and preparations we have to spend for before the conference. We (Ellen & me) started to pull resources so we could not miss this since we both wanted to be a part of YLG. Surprisingly, we were given full scholarships by Lausanne. ECPM provided our airfare and church mates, friends and relatives offered us more than we expected… this we believe is His way because He wanted us to do something for Him.

The Why
During the first plenary session, I had a question in my mind. I was asking the Lord why… why… why… I’m sure He wanted something from me as my response. I prayed for guidance and I asked Him to let this be my Mt. Sinai where I could talk to Him.
The second plenary caught me by surprise. While everyone was singing, I closed my eyes and cried.

Oh that wonderful cross… oh the wonderful cross
Bids me come and die and find that I may truly live!

I remember that night… the state of the gospel was presented. That is the time my heart gave away. His voice was so loud in my mind and in my heart. That night I stayed up late praying and talking to Him and reading His words. Then I woke up 5am the next day and sat under a coconut tree by the beach. The sun rises late in Malaysia. Around 7:30am that is just when the sun begins showing so you could just imagine how dark it was around 5am but I can’t forget how I witnessed the break of dawn and morning comes in. I stayed there ‘til 7am just talking to the Lord.

Yes He wanted something from me… I can see the big picture.

Unity in Diversity
It took my breath away to see 550 Christians from 110 nations all having the same heartbeat. A cry to seek His face and lead us all to where He wants us to be. Differences were smashed and love, unity and respect was in place. Though not all perfect, I felt the Lord’s wonderful grace to connect us to each other, no matter what your culture, tradition, ideas, or views may be… we all thought, planned, worshipped and prayed… This as we all say is a foretaste of heaven…

My Small Group
I have never been blessed the way I was when I heard their life stories. We all made life maps sharing what occurred in our lives. We agreed on one thing. That clearly, the Lord has weaved every road and every part of our lives to bring us to where we are now. That though we might think He is quiet, He is working out something for us. Carefully, he was working out our lives according to His own will for us.
My group is composed of women from US – Colorado & Boston, Latvia, Indonesia, Lithuania, Iraq, and a German who is in Oxford now. I learned a lot from them. Not just foreign words and accents but I realized how powerful God is. I’ve heard issues about oppression, racial discriminations, illness, confusions, and rejections. But all these were used by the Lord for His glory. Isn’t that amazing?
Our small group mentor is so great. Amazing, bubbly and really generous. She made sure all our needs during the conference were taken care of. She listened intently to our stories, cried when we cry and laugh so hard when we laugh. She makes jokes and she comforts us with the Lord’s words. Sandy is an Australian and she has given us resources on counseling and mentoring. They’re a part of my life now. And we made vows with each other. They’re my prayer partners now and we have managed to keep in touch.

The Workshops
Learning was one of the greatest blessings in YLG. I was blessed to able to attend 4 workshops that will affect the different aspects of my life and ministry. 1)Living in the Word- how to gain a deeper grasp of God’s word for my life and ministry 2)Leading & Communicating – learning to understand the skills of communicating in terms of leading others 3) Learning to Connect – how can God teach & develop me through the people around me and relationships with others.. 4) Leadership & disciple-making – how can we model a faith that others will want to chase after?

The Philippines (and Asia)
During the state of the gospel, I learned that the Philippines have more Christians now. And that majority of the missionaries come from Asia. But majority comes not from the western side but from Mongolia. Everyday, more and more are coming to the Lord in Asia while in some parts of the world, Christians are asking fro back ups. The problem before us (accdg. To stats) 1 out of 40 missionaries go to unevangelized. While, 80% is going to the churched.

Christianity in the Philippines is growing up and the Lord is doing more for our country. Could it be possible then for us to now send MORE MISSIONARIES? Asians are on the move now. We are now able to send out. We are now being asked specially those in the middle east to please help them. What are we doing in our country? A lot has expressed that they see potential from the Philippines so maybe it is time for us to go out of our shell.

Some words that strike me was when they said the “the scariest thing is that we’ll succeed in things that don’t matter”

All I’m sure of is that the Lord is asking something from the Philippines. It’s our time to go out and send more missionaries. Let’s play our role in the kingdom building!

The Challenge
Now that I’ve heard the why… the final task is yet to be done. My WHY question has now changed to when, where and how? Yes I see the big picture but the details no idea yet. The first major step is what I have been asking from the Lord. He has planted something in my heart. A prompting to which I said yes before but in the course of my life denied it and now, He opened it up again.

Another challenge is the effect it will have in my church and ECPM. I can see that ECPM will soon be taking big leaps of faith and maybe I could help in that leap that’s why the Lord allowed me to attend YLG. Also during the conference while talking and sharing other Christians what we do in ECPM and YMC… I saw the beauty of these ministries. I really appreciated all the work we do for YMC and ECPM.

This tour I believe is a gift from God. It is an eye opener for me and really an opportunity for me to see that even the farthest place here on Earth is controlled by the Lord. Imagine the many Christians I met and they are now somewhere in the north, east, west and south of the world working to bring the whole gospel to the whole world.

Please continue to be my prayer partners as I seek His direction in my ministry. You are a part of it and you have contributed a lot for me and for the Lord most especially. Thank you for being a blessing. I’m sure the Lord is with me and you in the journey.

“ The Eternal God is your refuge

and beneath are the everlasting Arms”
Deutoronomy 33:27 (NIV)

Beauty in Clouds

11:15 am – aboard Air Asia flight AK 33
As I am writing this, all I see are clouds! I almost defied plane rules and almost took pictures of the beauty I see by my window. I’m off to Malaysia, my 1st international flight. I am really in awe of what I am seeing. How can you find beauty in clouds? I see peace & tranquility. Just before today, I was preoccupied with worries and fear (ooopppsss there is turbulence – 11:20am) that while I am out for 2 weeks, anything can happen. I was asking the Lord to cover that fear. And I told Him I believe that since He allowed me this, He will take care of everything. Then as I read my devotional, the Lord reminded me again that only in His words could I get the peace & tranquility I was looking for. then I saw these clouds… a symbol of peace, purity, calmness & beauty. Just plain & simple beauty. The Lord gave me these clouds to remind me that I am completely under His care & no worries or fears would shake the hands that hold me. God blessed me… & yes, these clouds gave me peace…

Copyright... yeah right!

A few a weeks ago in class… a research & writing class at that, everyone was in a frenzy talking about copyrights, public domains, patents, next of kin… and the cherry on top --- PLAGIARISM.

Let me tell you first what a Research & Writing class is all about. It’s a required subject for new students of Asian Theological Seminary (ATS). It teaches of the standards used by ATS in writing theological papers and others. Just last Thursday, we were taught how a reflection paper should be. Here we are able to master how to make footnotes, bibliographies and etc. in the Turabian form, which is the standard form for ATS.

My classmate Kuya Jesse, a good writer and a wide reader, was voicing how he’s freaking out writing his papers for our other classes, thinking that some of his thoughts might have been also a thought of some other theologian or writer without him really knowing it. And maybe, the teacher will accuse him of plagiarism.

That’s my dilemma also, what if some principles I’ve been keeping to myself is also a principle of another person and he wrote it in a book and had it published, then my teacher read it but I didn’t. Then I submit a paper with that thought and my teacher accuses me of getting other people’s thoughts, but I really didn’t… oh well… I dunno…

Then in touching the issue of “idea-grabbing”, I remember the videos I make for other people’s birthday, or for someone’s wedding… I remember what happened when I made a very special avp for a close close friend’s wedding. Their videographer got the copy of the avp I made because it will be embedded in their wedding video. That same videographer was hired by my friend’s(who got married) cousin who also got married. My friend immediately relayed to me how frustrated he was when he saw his cousin’s avp very much the one I made for them. The pictures were just changed and some of the words… but the story line used was my story line! Although I don’t want to sound really selfish… it’s just at least they had the decency to ask my permission. I felt bad for feeling like I was violated specially that I am doing those videos for free, and really personalized for my loved ones. It’s been like my ministry and I don’t ask for anything in return. While those who got it and used it even earns from it.

Now isn’t that really unfair? I could have allowed them to use my material or sources if they had done what should be done in those cases. They could have at least cited me in the end… hahahaha

As from what I’ve heard, the Philippines has a local copyright law but it’s not quite clear to me if its aligned with the international copyright law.

Well this subject matter made me aware of citing sources specially now that I have research works and I teach some simple subjects in our modules for campus ministry. This really opened my eyes to the sometimes unfair parameters of plagiarism. Hehehe…. And this made me aware that now that I have ideas on the books I’m praying and planning to write… I should act fast so I could have it copyrighted before someone else gets it published before I do…. Yaaaayyyy….

I then realized… if you write something and you’re at peace that you’ve cited the source or if you believe that it’s really your thought after all... why be worried….right? Oh and by the way, I’ve learned tons of other stuff about copyright and things… I am still amazed at how a Research & Writing class could really be interesting and really enjoyable… ok, ok… the people in it could be one of the reasons…. My classmates - pastors, missionaries, and kingdom builders… wow… they’re all super funny.

And I super thank God for them… for this class and for how I am being exposed.

My Cup of Tea...

I have this favorite drink. I can’t sleep without having even just a cup of it. I have developed this passion for tea. The last time I remembered being hooked to it was during my college days. I would drink cups and cups of it thinking I’d get my tummy smaller. But my liking for it died away, because thesis time introduced the wonders of coffee to me. And just this year, before my brother got married, I did come back to the drink I realized I always loved. I am now avoiding coffee. And every night, I & my brother have this habit of drinking tea. His is with honey while I have it plain. When my mom was here, she would also ask me to make her tea with honey. My dad randomly drinks tea within the day…and yes, also with honey.

In Starbucks I always order one tall hot Tazo green tea, with or without honey. When surfing the net or doing my papers at night, I always have a hot tea beside me. We’ve been trying to convince my sister-in-law but no, she’d rather drink C2 tea. In time maybe she will love it too.

I don’t know why but I love tea. It soothes me in a different way and calms me. It gives me a sense of warmth and safety. It’s like I am secure. And I even love the fact that I know the tea will put out the unnecessary toxins out of my body. So I don’t mind having more trips in the toilet to put it out. Because I know it helps. I love the feeling when I hold my hot mug with two hands then sip it and feel refreshed.

The Lord is more than a hot green tea for me. He brings me peace and calmness despite the many storms of my life. I couldn’t sleep without thanking Him, praising Him, or talking to Him. He is the only name in my heart I wouldn’t want to forget. Sometimes I tend to lessen my time with Him when I have other sources of happiness or joy. But I was never happy doing it. I was never satisfied with a life without my deep conversations with the Lord.

The Lord rejuvenates me… day after day, each night after a day in this world, He is the one thing I look for. He is more than a cup of tea. He is the one thing I couldn’t live without. I’d rather miss the tea than not to be able to have the chance of asking Him to refresh my soul. His words and love has always made me survive.

Just last week I feel stressed out. Sleepy, tired and sad. Really sad that I drank 2 cups of coffee in just one day. I was trying to look for something that will jolt me up. That will keep me up. After which, I felt sorry for drinking coffee. I have avoided it for sometime and yet I came back. I was so down I felt like I added more to my worries.

For the past week, I’ve been contemplating on giving up something. I never told anyone. I started to think of the pros and cons. I tried to see if I was the one who has a problem why this certain part of my life isn’t functioning well.

One night, I decided to go back to my cup of tea. And that night, I decided to pour it out to my Lord. I told Him my fears, worries and questions. I wrestled with Him asking repeatedly to give me even just one tiny answer. I asked Him to flush out all the worries and fears that I have. I asked Him to detoxify me of all those that is haunting me just like my cup of tea.

And He did. He gave me a reason… one small reason for me to hold on. And that is enough. That is enough for me to realize that I still belong to Him. That my security is still in the Lord. That my days, and nights, are only for Him. That I have every reason to look forward to great things. That in due time He will answer my specific prayer. That He will hear me cry. Just as long as I surrender to His ways. Not do it my own way.

He is my cup of tea. I will always go back to my cup of hot tea no matter how inviting the aroma of the coffee in school may be or no matter how wonderful cappuccino is, I will always look for my tall hot Tazo green tea. With or without honey.

The Lord is the one and only one my heart will look for. He is the only one my body and soul will ever need. He is the only one that will remain when everything else fails. And I know, He will keep on sustaining me, refreshing me and upholding me.

He is more than my cup of tea… He is my world, and He is my everything.

Then God remembered...

That was a phrase that caught our attention in Bible Intro class. It gave questions and points to ponder while walking through the book of Exodus. Slavery? Plagues? Deliverance? Wilderness? Covenant? Another book showing life is a journey…

After God used dysfunctional families and broken ones in Genesis and now a series of hardship in the wilderness… one thing is always dominant. God never leaves. Might be quiet or silent but always present. He’s working things out for us.

During those times, the Israelites keep on sinning… but the Lord keeps on forgiving. Those were the times when they almost lost hope… where is this promise land? They were impatient… when will providence come? They didn’t want direction… we’ll have it our way! But God keeps on blessing them.

That made me think. I have been impatient, is still impatient, I am not worthy to be called His child, I’ve doubted Him at times… and many times I keep maneuvering things on my own direction. And most of the time, I choose the things I enjoy rather than to listen to His voice.

Some hardships, I believe, are consequences of my mistakes, while some I believe the Lord allows to happen to catch my attention. But through all these… God still remembers. He never allows me to suffer long. On the condition that I get the point, that I get the why and I move on to the what-to-do. He gives me blessings in different ways which is more than I expect of.

When in pain, that’s when I enjoy Him the most. He never forgets to remind me of His love… He does this in amazing ways. Just like what happened in the Old Testament… when “God remembered” means He never forgets. I know He’s always there.

Like the Israelites, after hardship & trials in the wilderness, their next generation enjoys the abundance of the promise land. And I hold on to that. God is always my home… the place in my heart where I always go back to. He is the king of my heart and the lover of my soul. Always in Him do I find refuge. And always in His arms I find the greatest comfort. The most wonderful home that soothes me and takes away the fears, and the pains… if I will fully trust Him, then what harm could put me down? What pain could eat me out? And what trial could fold my knees? Nothing. And no one is greater than Him. I may lose them all but not Him.
God remembers me always… I just have to hold on… God never forgets.

GENESIS....

i just started my own blog... still thinking how i'd go about this.. but thanks to ken for the motivation... hehehe... though i have e-journals i usually keep them to myself and some as reference for my reflection papers in school..

but nevertheless... i promise to update this soon.... soon and very soon...

thanks ken! God bless...