A friend with a wonderful insight provoked a feeling in me that I can’t just seem to explain. Few people knew how hard my days go on each day, how painful the ache is and just how I am asking God to take the cup from me. I simply find myself saying… Father, I’m tired. To be in this state is the last thing I ever wanted. To feel this way is not my card anymore and I didn’t expect to ever be this way again ever. I avoided it for so many years… and I covered myself with so great walls that in a year slowly fell down until it all hit fully crushed on the ground exposing me to the worse. Believe me… this is the last thing I ever wanted.
Thrice… or more I think, I found myself embracing the Father in my sleep. I found myself leaning my head on His shoulders while repeatedly saying I’m tired. I wanted Him to talk to me and tell me what’s going on but He kept answering like old Mr. Miyagi where I’d have to read between the lines to pick up the message… even if I do decipher them…I am still not assured. Part of me still can’t seem to understand or see and no matter how badly broken and busted I am… the more He sends people giving me opportunities to bless others. How can I worry and cry at night, then He’d wake me up and use me when morning comes… the answer to that I can’t seem to know. All I feel, see and realize, is that no matter how smashed I may feel, if He wants to use me, He will.
But when the night comes again…I feel tired. For weeks and weeks now… my heart wanted to explode as it punches hard to the chest cavity that surrounds it. If I’d allow it to be broken… then my whole world would shatter… it is shattering now… and all I can say is that Lord… I’m tired… can You please take this cup from me? What is your plan? I can’t keep up and I can’t back down…
My wonderful Father is my well… I have to keep drinking from Him at night because the day simply sucks out everything from me. That time of simply letting my tears fall and telling Him… Father, can’t You see… Your daughter is tired. Can You not just take me now and be with You in eternity, that is the time He lets me drink from His well.
I still get thirsty… I am always thirsty. I still ask Him why… and I still tell Him I am tired. I tell Him I’m crushed, and I tell Him this is just too much. In that moment of thirst, while tears fall and He allows me to drink from His well…I wake up the next day doing what I believe He wants me to do. I’m striving each day to make a difference in other people’s lives. Listening & helping… even soul tending, and they tell me they feel loved. Then and there I realize… I am really nothing. How can I do it when I myself is broken. That alone is my Father’s work…no credit should be given to me. Maybe that’s how the Lord wants to use me.
When I heard my friend talk about being fully human and how it is to be really contemplative…I saw myself thinking about my own idea on that… the more inadequate I feel, the more I turn to Jesus… and when I’m most uncomfortable with myself… that’s when I get contemplative… that’s when I drink from His well.
Jesus answered and said to her, “if you knew the gift of God, and who it is who says to you, ‘Give Me a drink,’ you would have asked Him, and He would have given you living water… “everyone who drinks of this water will thirst again; but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him shall never thirst; but the water that I will give him will become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life.”
John 4: 10, 13-14
