Broken to Serve...

It took more than just a tear drop to ask the Lord “why me?” I intended it not to sound as if I’m angry at Him… no I’m not. I just wanted to know the purpose… the why…

I can say that in the area of brokenness, and pain… I’m an expert. Ask me about it and I can recount to you countless moments when I cried, fell on my knees and spent days and nights alone just talking to Him and imagining my head on His lap. Maybe He enjoyed that moment of my undivided attention so it kept coming.

But sometimes it’s just soo hard to fall and realize you’re left feeling unworthy of everything. And I don’t know how to explain it all but in the middle of tears and sobs, I hear Him calling me for something. Isn’t that a little ironic? The more I am broken the more I can hear His voice…

My quiet talks with Him lately, and reflective moments (that comes with age), made me see who I am in front of Him. It made me analyze the wrong turns that I’ve taken and those times that I took the wheel of my life from Him. Plus the circumstances of disobedience… Each day He makes me see the real cost of being a disciple and follower. Learning from the lives of those whom He has chosen in the New Testament, I saw just how unworthy I am to be called. But they learned… and now I should learn from it too. I should take those characteristics and use it in the context of how I’m living my life.

Reading their lives and how the Lord called them sounded so easy… but as I experience this character & heart clean-up by the Lord, it can never be harder than how it was for Peter, John, or James then… Now, I have them as examples so I would know what to do… maybe I shouldn’t make it that hard for me… maybe I’m putting too much pressure on myself… am I ? Or am I too laid back?

Just before I wrote this, I read Jesus’ encounter with His disciples while they were trying to catch some fish. It was, I believe, the third time he appeared to them after He raised from the dead. (John 21)… and after that I felt ashamed… I had sooo little trust and sooo big doubts. I doubted that the Lord will work out my life… I’m soo bad… and He talked to me in that chapter! He reminded me that He is bigger than any doubt in my mind. I was even in awe when a woman mentor in church whom I look up a lot to (not to mention listen a lot to) said something to me about the cross. God never fails and He will not forsake us.. He still can do His plan no matter what it caused…He made a move once on the cross to show us His everlasting love for us…my dear...don't despair.

Just seeing the word cross made me bow down in humility… that I am really weak and can’t do anything no matter how hard I work. I have doubts and fears yes, but the great sacrifice He made on the cross is so powerful. That my God is still in control of everything. Isn’t it comforting to know? That He is in-charge of my life no matter what. Oh why couldn’t I trust Him more!!!

The disciples had too much hard encounters with Him. They also had heart-clean-ups. They were broken, they defiled, they had doubts too… but they were called to be His servants. They were asked to obey and to follow because of His love. The love that can surpass the love this empty world has made us see…

I am weak yes, not even worthy of anything… but His great love, as shown on the cross, has made me able to do all these things


I can say I am broken, even have a contrite spirit… but I can hear Him calling me… not just an instrument but a servant… I can feel and see His work in me… I just need strength.

“But God wants people who are broken-hearted, broken-minded, broken-prided”
Oswald Chambers

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted,

and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
Psalm 34:18 (NIV)

Lausanne Younger Leaders Gathering

His Provision & Comfort
Until now I am amazed at how the Lord enabled me to attend the gathering Plus airfare, pocket money and preparations we have to spend for before the conference. We (Ellen & me) started to pull resources so we could not miss this since we both wanted to be a part of YLG. Surprisingly, we were given full scholarships by Lausanne. ECPM provided our airfare and church mates, friends and relatives offered us more than we expected… this we believe is His way because He wanted us to do something for Him.

The Why
During the first plenary session, I had a question in my mind. I was asking the Lord why… why… why… I’m sure He wanted something from me as my response. I prayed for guidance and I asked Him to let this be my Mt. Sinai where I could talk to Him.
The second plenary caught me by surprise. While everyone was singing, I closed my eyes and cried.

Oh that wonderful cross… oh the wonderful cross
Bids me come and die and find that I may truly live!

I remember that night… the state of the gospel was presented. That is the time my heart gave away. His voice was so loud in my mind and in my heart. That night I stayed up late praying and talking to Him and reading His words. Then I woke up 5am the next day and sat under a coconut tree by the beach. The sun rises late in Malaysia. Around 7:30am that is just when the sun begins showing so you could just imagine how dark it was around 5am but I can’t forget how I witnessed the break of dawn and morning comes in. I stayed there ‘til 7am just talking to the Lord.

Yes He wanted something from me… I can see the big picture.

Unity in Diversity
It took my breath away to see 550 Christians from 110 nations all having the same heartbeat. A cry to seek His face and lead us all to where He wants us to be. Differences were smashed and love, unity and respect was in place. Though not all perfect, I felt the Lord’s wonderful grace to connect us to each other, no matter what your culture, tradition, ideas, or views may be… we all thought, planned, worshipped and prayed… This as we all say is a foretaste of heaven…

My Small Group
I have never been blessed the way I was when I heard their life stories. We all made life maps sharing what occurred in our lives. We agreed on one thing. That clearly, the Lord has weaved every road and every part of our lives to bring us to where we are now. That though we might think He is quiet, He is working out something for us. Carefully, he was working out our lives according to His own will for us.
My group is composed of women from US – Colorado & Boston, Latvia, Indonesia, Lithuania, Iraq, and a German who is in Oxford now. I learned a lot from them. Not just foreign words and accents but I realized how powerful God is. I’ve heard issues about oppression, racial discriminations, illness, confusions, and rejections. But all these were used by the Lord for His glory. Isn’t that amazing?
Our small group mentor is so great. Amazing, bubbly and really generous. She made sure all our needs during the conference were taken care of. She listened intently to our stories, cried when we cry and laugh so hard when we laugh. She makes jokes and she comforts us with the Lord’s words. Sandy is an Australian and she has given us resources on counseling and mentoring. They’re a part of my life now. And we made vows with each other. They’re my prayer partners now and we have managed to keep in touch.


The Workshops
Learning was one of the greatest blessings in YLG. I was blessed to able to attend 4 workshops that will affect the different aspects of my life and ministry. 1)Living in the Word- how to gain a deeper grasp of God’s word for my life and ministry 2)Leading & Communicating – learning to understand the skills of communicating in terms of leading others 3) Learning to Connect – how can God teach & develop me through the people around me and relationships with others.. 4) Leadership & disciple-making – how can we model a faith that others will want to chase after?


The Philippines (and Asia)
During the state of the gospel, I learned that the Philippines have more Christians now. And that majority of the missionaries come from Asia. But majority comes not from the western side but from Mongolia. Everyday, more and more are coming to the Lord in Asia while in some parts of the world, Christians are asking fro back ups. The problem before us (accdg. To stats) 1 out of 40 missionaries go to unevangelized. While, 80% is going to the churched.


Christianity in the Philippines is growing up and the Lord is doing more for our country. Could it be possible then for us to now send MORE MISSIONARIES? Asians are on the move now. We are now able to send out. We are now being asked specially those in the middle east to please help them. What are we doing in our country? A lot has expressed that they see potential from the Philippines so maybe it is time for us to go out of our shell.


Some words that strike me was when they said the “the scariest thing is that we’ll succeed in things that don’t matter”


All I’m sure of is that the Lord is asking something from the Philippines. It’s our time to go out and send more missionaries. Let’s play our role in the kingdom building!


The Challenge
Now that I’ve heard the why… the final task is yet to be done. My WHY question has now changed to when, where and how? Yes I see the big picture but the details no idea yet. The first major step is what I have been asking from the Lord. He has planted something in my heart. A prompting to which I said yes before but in the course of my life denied it and now, He opened it up again.


Another challenge is the effect it will have in my church and ECPM. I can see that ECPM will soon be taking big leaps of faith and maybe I could help in that leap that’s why the Lord allowed me to attend YLG. Also during the conference while talking and sharing other Christians what we do in ECPM and YMC… I saw the beauty of these ministries. I really appreciated all the work we do for YMC and ECPM.


This tour I believe is a gift from God. It is an eye opener for me and really an opportunity for me to see that even the farthest place here on Earth is controlled by the Lord. Imagine the many Christians I met and they are now somewhere in the north, east, west and south of the world working to bring the whole gospel to the whole world.


Please continue to be my prayer partners as I seek His direction in my ministry. You are a part of it and you have contributed a lot for me and for the Lord most especially. Thank you for being a blessing. I’m sure the Lord is with me and you in the journey.

“ The Eternal God is your refuge

and beneath are the everlasting Arms”
Deutoronomy 33:27 (NIV)