The Fusion Chef

I call him the "Fusion Chef"... errr... actually he's known to be the Chief Nurse... so might as well call him the "Fusion Chef Nurse". Just the title gives one an idea that he's a man of all sorts. No confusion but he's passionate with his profession yet he loves to cook and he's got a weird taste bud that loves to mix food together and discover what tastes good and not, giving grimace a run for his money.

So why am i blogging about this? We share the same passion for food. And i love to see him eat since it wouldn't be good for me to eat as much as he does...

What's interesting about this dish though, as our main lead for today... is you would never guess what comes with that pork. This piece of protein was seasoned in soy sauce, fish sauce, salt, ketchup, pepper, “magic sarap”(pinoy spice) and ham seasoning. I have never mixed fish sauce and soy sauce in my life. But the Chef Nurse did, which makes this a fusion dish. Mixing spices and seasonings is very critical in the kitchen. You have to know what you’re mixing together to make sure your dish won’t end up in the bin. As far as I can remember, 9 out 10 of the fusions the chef nurse did made sense… made good sense. So I am convinced he’s worthy to be given the title. I never have expected that mixing adobo (a famous Filipino dish) and spicy anssung noodles (Korean dish) would taste like a corn dish and turn out to be good. You’d know a dish would taste good if you hear him say “there’s a woah! Factor”

Seriously… fusion may be critical and the end product would really be a risk. But you would never know how it would taste if you won’t take a bold step to take it. In life… here goes the serious part… fusion is not bad at all. Reflecting on this fusion dish, the fusion chef and my life… this has something to do with contradictions. I love contradictions! It is the mixture of good and bad and the coming together of extreme joy and heart-quenching pain. In our life… things are not all that smooth. Even God didn’t promise a life that is smooth-sailing. Our journey is simply learning to cope and finding how to battle through it all. One would never learn that without the right perspective and connection with the Father.

Our God is not only present in the good and happy times… one simply have to learn to discover the beauty of God’s comfort even in pain. This I have to be reminded of everyday. Even in the dark moments of our soul, we can find good things in it. We can feel His healing embrace and His touch that gives us hope. I’m a sucker for pain, crying and dealing with the hard times in my life. I get the most out of them. Not just being emotional or being over-analytical… simply reflecting and seeing that everything that happens in my life, may it be a product of my own bad decisions or something out of my control, it will contribute in how my character is being shaped. All that happens in my life – pain or joy, failures or victories, are weaved into how the Lord wanted me to fulfill my purpose. The key here is daily re-aligning our heart to Him. That we may gently get in through the fusion of it all.

Fusion happens. It is a part of our life. And getting to know the Fusion Chef Nurse made me realize a lot of things. Even getting this close to the fusion chef is amazing. We may live in different planes but somehow there's a common denominator that fuses us. I didn't even realize he's different from the way I thought he'd be hadn't I taken a leap to know him better. He surprises me each day. He may not know it but his fusion-ness is a reminder for me to enjoy life with the Lord no matter what comes… that there is always hope… that there is every reason to say “hooray for today!” Our journey involves taking risks and then being surprised that the end would give us reasons to jump and be happy. Failures may come but there is always another chance. A chef masters his own signature dish if when his first try gives a bad result… there is another chance to eliminate the seasoning or spice he shouldn’t add. The chef simply learns and cooks all over again.

The fusion chef nurse told me that he was surprised the pork turned out good and the skin tasted well as if you’re not eating any of its fat portion. I am simply thankful that we have a good God. That He continually gives us surprises no matter how bleak our days may seem or how risky our steps may be. God is a God of surprises. The key here is connecting our lives to Him. We have to do that everyday… or else, we will be caught up in the fusion of everything that happens in our journey and we end up in confusion. Armed with God’s hand… I would rather be in the fusion of it all. Happy eating! 

Being Alive

The past year gave me flatlines, ER’s and heart attacks. I was on the edge barely breathing. I almost threw in the towel and retire my running shoes. I never thought I’d make it until the 31^st of December and even step on to a new year. It was the year I almost never stopped crying. When you wake up everyday and you feel a pinch in your heart. Everyday was a feat… it was the year when each day was offered early to God asking him to be the sturdy crutches… for I was losing my grip…

Then He told me to choose between being disabled and facing the truth then giving in for treatment. I became my own patient… my own counselee.

I can’t find any other word to describe the magnanimity in the hardness of it all… Yet it was a year better than the last. It was one of my most meaningful years. It was something I won’t forget. I had too much of everything.

The past year made me think it would be the end yet it was at the end of the year that I felt alive and just simply continually breathing.

After succumbing to solo backpack trips and “tunganga” moments, surrendering to contemplative prayer,  cooking more, unceasing prayer for others and finally sustaining running days & eating healthier… I woke up one day feeling alive. As if I have awoken to a big deep sleep. A big sleep where my inner soul was transported to a different dimension under a dialogue and reconstruction with only one being– the Lord. 

After sifting through my own heart and seeing who I am, accepting my own cross and patiently seeking His voice… my eyes were open. It is as if darkness faded and I suddenly saw the light. Finally, my baggage was taken from me and I felt alive… and all that emotion that was clotting my blood was sucked out.  I know there are still bits and pieces of it left but I now trust the Lord more…

I won’t forget how hard I cried feeling as if I am dead and how hard I cried feeling that I am alive again… By the time fireworks were lighting up the skies that last night of 2011 and first morn of 2012… tears rolled down my cheeks… I whispered… thank You Lord for making me a survivor…

Now all I can do is keep breathing because just at that same time I feel it in my heart… You are watching over me, I simply have to trust you and that you are true to your promises. You became my bestest friend this year Lord… You patiently led my hand for a whole year. I can’t explain but a lot has changed within me.

I don’t need to ask what made me survive it all… You were my vitamins that kept me alive.

“You called and shouted broke through my deafness… now I’m breathing in and breathing out…

I’M ALIVE AGAIN!

You shattered my darkness, washed away my blindness…now I’m breathing in and breathing out…

 I’M ALIVE AGAIN!”

-mattmaher

*photo taken at Iba, Zambales Dec. 31, 2011

My Brief Monastic Life

THE 1^ST CUP

I was surprised to see a wedding at the monastery that early afternoon after taking my first cup of the most famous monks’ brew. I was just starting to take everything in and I felt so privileged. I have reviewed the monk’s prayer schedules and felt excited to spend those quiet moments with them. And finally, I have taken my first 3-hour sleep after 32 hours of being awake with only a 10min nap during the 3-hour bus ride to Bukidnon and an hour of not-deep-sleep in the plane ride to Cagayan de Oro.

The first bell I heard at 4.45pm signaled the time for Vespers – an evening prayer. I went up the monastery with 2 other retreatants and a warm & loving nun, sister Marily who was staying over for the weekend with her sisters.

Brother Ethiel, a novice monk who entered the postulate 3 months ago with 2 other postulants, was assigned that week to assist the retreatants. He handed over to me two songbooks… so I thought there would be quiet singing or maybe soft worship. I was appalled as the vespers began.

How in the world have I forgotten that the monks chant their prayers. I have listened to lauds and abbey choirs during my pray-as-you-go moments and have admired the Celtics… how then could I have not anticipated the chants.

It was a very special vesper for me. it was my first vesper ever. By 7pm, I attend the Vigil, the night prayer done on eve of Sundays. And so of course we chanted again the prayers until it was time for silence in the rooms. With my sneezing and loud blowing of nose (I had nose allergy remember), I started Dr. Ado’s guided retreat for me. As I wrote in my journal that night, I let it all out. The cry I have been suppressing for many months now came out… I cried for forgiveness and being able to forgive. I cried pains & complains, I cried for pleas and peace… there, in the quiet solitude of my room up the mountains with the night lamp on… I cried like a child.

FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS

That Saturday night, my first night… Sr. Marilyn asked me if I’ll attend LAUDS early morning the next day… I said yes. If it’s going to start at 4am, she said she’ll have to pass. But I was decided to do so even if prayer begins at 3am.

That was what I told myself before I went to bed. As my alarm rung was a different story. After the alarm woke me up at 4am I immediately switched it off deciding I should just sleep off the lauds just like Sr. Marilyn since I was really tired from the long travel and hard cry that night. By 5am… another story began. The big chrome bell by the monastery rang so loud that I felt it was pushing me out of my bed. Little by little the bell rang louder… I hurried when I heard a soft noise from the room Sr. Marlyn shared with her sisters and thought… if she’ll attend the early morning prayer… I’ll be there too. I hurriedly bathe and prepared while another bell (in a different tone) rang in harmony with the first bell. Two big bells are now calling me! I felt like Cinderella who wanted to despise the clock for pushing her around to start work. I made the flight up the monastery praying my nose wouldn’t cat up until the bell stopped.

I was a few minutes late that morning. Yet the prayer was memorable. My nose didn’t act up. And I felt a wonderful morning breeze as the sun rises.


God’s love is wonderful… He is merciful, even if we don’t live up to being worthy… He continually gives good things…. reflections from being tardy that morning… and I swore it won’t happen again. 

My Brief Monastic Life

THE ASCENT

Inspired by Phileena’s book, me – a mountain climber in m own right and a pilgrim by heart, wished Dom Elias just told me to walk towards the monastery from the front gate instead of instructing me to take the multi cab. After meeting a family before I headed to the road towards the monastery, I took a habal-habal instead which is way cheaper and which suited the adventurous me. the driver can’t speak fluent Filipino so we both picked up whatever word we could distinguish from each other. And just as my instincts have prodded me, he dropped me off at the old monastery which was nowhere near the new monastery and guest house where I was to go. Following signs and instructions from the people at the gift shop by the gate, I took on the road towards the new monastery and I smiled as I saw from afar it’s roof that pointed towards the heavens. It was beautiful even from afar. But as I walked on, I realized the road was longer that I appeared to be and I began to wonder if I was still on the right way. Nevertheless I walked on smiling and sighing… so I got what I wanted – a long walk up from the gate, after all. It was a rough-3km hike!

The walk was breath taking. I saw golden rice fields, pine trees (my favorite) and other crops and plants as if welcoming me before I enter what would be my sanctuary. Tired, perspiring but excited upon reaching the top… there it was in front of me. A sight any architect would drool over, a sanctuary that would stop any pilgrim’s breath. There’s something about this place and the atmosphere that told me… “we’ve been waiting for you”… & I whispered… “Shalom to me”… then I decided… it is time to rest.

My Brief Monastic Life

PROLOGUE: Bold as Coffee, Great as Heaven

I finally had to take this trip after postponing it for 2 months due to time & financial constraints. My world has been caving in on me and within that time delay, my reserved energy is acting up yet all the more I held on to God’s strength and power until I journey up the mountains of Bukidnon.

It is my first time to go off somewhere with no other agenda but to be by myself, be quiet, sing alone and be away from the noise of my life for a week… on my own for a week.

It was a brave act for me to take the early 3am flight and rely on whatever I have researched in the net on how I’ll be doing this trip. This could be exciting, I thought to myself… but at the same time afraid that I may not make the wisest choices for my meager budget. But since it’s happening now, I know this is God’s right timing and everything will work out fine.

It was a Bold move I had to take for my sanity. The nose allergy I had been having for some days due to stress (I knew the symptoms!) needed distressing.

I needed the stillness and peace of heaven and the comfort of coffee. 

The space between us…

For three months now I’m learning to keep a low profile with you and be quiet. I know you needed the space so I respected it. I was sensitive enough to know that you cannot afford any other pressures other than what you have now so I kept my space. In this space between us a lot of things changed in me. It allowed me to absorb who I really am and to see my God in a different plane.

During this space, I learned to love my God more than I love you. My God asked me to carry my cross daily and see that I can do nothing without Him. I was able to bear it out without you but God kept me company and kept me running through life. I learned to be thankful in everything. I learned to thank the Lord for all that occurred between us and for just how much you showed me you care.

During this space, I learned to appreciate the good mornings you send my way. You may fail not to a couple of times but each early morning you say that, it felt like receiving a windfall from God. I learned to understand that that’s just how you want it to be and I tried as hard as I could to understand the things you have to do. I remember you telling me 5 months ago that I just have to just be here. And so I did.

Despite this space, I was there watching you shine. I was at the sidelines praying hard that He keeps you in the palm of His hands. You know that. That’s what I tell you early everyday after your good mornings.

Even with the great realizations and transformation that occurred in me whilst we had this space in between us… I must admit I miss you. I tried to keep myself an arms length but deep inside somehow I felt we were never really invisible. Sorry for missing you. Sorry for everything that occurred before this. But these months of distance somehow made me see things at a different view.

Thank you for the good mornings… somehow that, words spoken before, prayers and God’s love are just the only things that hold the space in between us.

Somehow, in wonderful ways…I know that this space in between us will be broken… and that God will erase it and will bring us back together again. 

Meaningless…

Each time opportunities to serve come, I ask the Lord, not once but twice whether I’m worthy to do it? And He said… I made you worthy my child… it is not of your own doing…but Mine.

I try to do my best, I try to be humble in everything, I try not to seek to be praised, I prepare whenever I travel for mission work… but at that critical moment… when I’m near my destination, I feel the cramps in my stomach and thumping of the heart… I ask the Lord, not once but twice whether I can do it despite doing it many times before… and He said… You won’t do it my child… I’ll do it…

As I make my way home after every mission work, after counseling sessions, after delivering talks or seminars, after inspiring others, after working with the youth or the thirsty churches… I always lay down on my bed looking at the ceiling and cry… Lord, how come I thought I came to bless but I was all the more blessed… Then I just crunch in tears feeling love… and more than ever, I asked the Lord again, not once but twice who really was blessed by whom? And He said… You didn’t get it my child… not your works blessed… but I blessed you and them…

Realizing the whole month of January that it is not about me but it is about God’s transformative power I too was reading the book of Ecclesiastes and everything seems to come together… I felt it somewhere in my stomach, in the midst of my heart and understanding of my mind that's what's happening and what I’m reading are God’s words for me. I simply cry… I cry a lot these days… all I do… all that surrounds me are all meaningless… LESS OF ME…MORE OF HIM…I am meaningless but with Him… everything else becomes something more. 

Finding my well...

A friend with a wonderful insight provoked a feeling in me that I can’t just seem to explain.  Few people knew how hard my days go on each day, how painful the ache is and just how I am asking God to take the cup from me. I simply find myself saying… Father, I’m tired. To be in this state is the last thing I ever wanted. To feel this way is not my card anymore and I didn’t expect to ever be this way again ever. I avoided it for so many years… and I covered myself with so great walls that in a year slowly fell down until it all hit fully crushed on the ground exposing me to the worse. Believe me… this is the last thing I ever wanted.

Thrice… or more I think, I found myself embracing the Father in my sleep. I found myself leaning my head on His shoulders while repeatedly saying I’m tired. I wanted Him to talk to me and tell me what’s going on but He kept answering like old Mr. Miyagi where I’d have to read between the lines to pick up the message… even if I do decipher them…I am still not assured. Part of me still can’t seem to understand or see and no matter how badly broken and busted I am… the more He sends people giving me opportunities to bless others. How can I worry and cry at night, then He’d wake me up and use me when morning comes… the answer to that I can’t seem to know. All I feel, see and realize, is that no matter how smashed I may feel, if He wants to use me, He will.

But when the night comes again…I feel tired. For weeks and weeks now… my heart wanted to explode as it punches hard to the chest cavity that surrounds it. If I’d allow it to be broken… then my whole world would shatter… it is shattering now… and all I can say is that Lord… I’m tired… can You please take this cup from me? What is your plan? I can’t keep up and I can’t back down…

My wonderful Father is my well… I have to keep drinking from Him at night because the day simply sucks out everything from me. That time of simply letting my tears fall and telling Him… Father, can’t You see… Your daughter is tired. Can You not just take me now and be with You in eternity, that is the time He lets me drink from His well.

I still get thirsty… I am always thirsty. I still ask Him why… and I still tell Him I am tired. I tell Him I’m crushed, and I tell Him this is just too much. In that moment of thirst, while tears fall and He allows me to drink from His well…I wake up the next day doing what I believe He wants me to do. I’m striving each day to make a difference in other people’s lives. Listening & helping… even soul tending, and they tell me they feel loved. Then and there I realize… I am really nothing. How can I do it when I myself is broken. That alone is my Father’s work…no credit should be given to me. Maybe that’s how the Lord wants to use me.

When I heard my friend talk about being fully human and how it is to be really contemplative…I saw myself thinking about my own idea on that… the more inadequate I feel, the more I turn to Jesus… and when I’m most uncomfortable with myself… that’s when I get contemplative… that’s when I drink from His well.

Jesus answered and said to her, “if you knew the gift of God, and who it is who says to you, ‘Give Me a drink,’ you would have asked Him, and He would have given you living water… “everyone who drinks of this water will thirst again; but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him shall never thirst; but the water that I will give him will become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life.”

John 4: 10, 13-14

Suffering...

Just as I began to question my suffering, those close to me started to send in their own version of this unbearable word. I didn’t ask them to but in that aching moment I heard their own cries. Why do we have to go through this? Is God still hearing our pleas?

Am I allowed to rant? Am I allowed to complain? Help me to understand. Is it pride when you realize that you care and love but they keep hurting you? Where is the glory when someone tells you they’ve gone numb? Why do others barely hold up to the fact of being apart to loved ones because of essentials in life? What is the happy ending for two people in love yet can’t be together? Why does a good person go through depression because others took her smile away? Why do people tell you they love you but when you change into a different person because of illness they will not even say hi? Why do people come into someone else’s life just to hurt them? Why do people make reasons to be loved but when you get in their boat they leave you out in the cold? Why do people need to forgive someone they loved all their lives but has been deceiving them? What is the reward for a person with unrequited love? Why? Why?

Suffering makes one to somehow lose direction… lose ground… or even lose hope. Suffering raises questions that no one else can answer… It kills every amount of strength that you had somehow stored in. It weakens your soul and makes you lose that grip.

In that very anguished moment, you lie your head on one side of your pillow, numb and with tears falling down, you are silent… and in that very breaking moment… you realize, there is nothing else you can do. You don’t know what else to do… you don’t know how else to ease your every excruciating infliction. You begin gasping for air and realize that only God holds that thin line of life & strength that you have. And that thin line, when held by the mighty comforter is strong enough to get you through days… or months… or years of agonizing moments… you don’t know when it will stop or when will the sun rise again but He keeps you through…

God wants us to always have that moment of dependence on Him…that’s all He asks…we depend on Him not just in heartrending moments but in pleasant ones. Now don’t forget this moment… this moment of hanging only to His heartbeat… because this will keep us holding on….Hold fast… help is on the way…

‘Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’

Isaiah 41:10

. pain

Pain pinches the softest muscle of your heart and blocks all the positivities that can encourage your mind. It tells your whole body to stop and to just stare as the whole world around you goes by. It makes you crunch in one corner of the bed and realize you’re starting to love sleeping horizontally on the bed. Sometimes, it makes you think of sleeping and waking up only after 10 years. Pain has the power to introduce to you the word FEAR which you bypassed when all things began. It leads you to doubt until you finally lose all your faith. You try your very best to fight it off but pain seems to creep in every part of your body, every aspect of your life and in every corner of your world.

Pain sucks out every inch of hope and inspiration that has built you and has filled you. It covers all amount of victory you once had and makes you wonder if you’ll get by this once again. Pain seems to overwrite all intelligence, degrees, trainings, and achievement you’ve been busy with. Pain makes you hear nothing. Pain makes you lose your clock.

It makes you come into a fetal position…eyes wide open, staring at the blank wall, mind freezing

… heart slowly crushing and no matter how numb you feel…and how slowly you die down… tears fall.

. Pain

My Christmas Playlist

Christmas wouldn’t be complete without the carols. Me and my brother grew up with dad and mom playing old & new Christmas carols in many different versions. I even remember when I was still in high school...one December night...our family sat by the stairs of our rented apartment...the house dark and Christmas lights were the only sparks that we have while carols sung by the Osbourne brothers are being played in our old Akai stereo. So even as years passed by, me & my brother have always been a fan of Christmas carols. Inspired by a set of Christmas carols sung in ATS chapel one time, I decided to make my top ten list and consistently play them this December. One of my professors, an OT scholar, mentioned to me the theology behind them while we sang and I enjoyed analyzing them myself. It speaks so much of Jesus, NT words combined with OT words. But taking away those stuff... simply put, these songs touched my heart.

On our way home from a family get-together last December 25, my brother played a Christmas carol and said it’s his number 2 favorite. He too has a list! Just as I suspected! He made everyone in the car guess what’s his no.1 and I was the only one who guessed it right… I’ve known him the longest and I know what’s on top of his list.

Let me share my list here and I’ve included some significant lines from the songs (&carols) that made me feel the real meaning of Christmas… Love, Salvation, Hope… yes, there is hope.

My Christmas Playlist

1. How deep the Father’s love

“…How great the pain of searing loss, The Father turns His face away As wounds which mar the chosen One, Bring many sons to glory…”

2. Count Your blessings (Diana Krall)

“…If you're worried and you can't sleep, Just count your blessings instead of sheep. And you'll fall asleep counting your blessings…”

3. Thou didst leave thy throne

            “…O come to my heart, Lord Jesus, There is room in my heart for Thee!”

4. Christmas Lights (Coldplay)

“Those Christmas lights Light up the street down where the sea and city meet may all your troubles soon be gone …Oh Christmas lights keep shining on”

“…Up above candles on air flicker, Oh they flicker and they float but I'm up here holding on to all those chandeliers of hope”

5. It came upon a midnight clear version (Kutless version)

“…O ye beneath life's crushing load, whose forms are bending low, who toil along the climbing way with painful steps and slow; Look now, for glad and golden hours come swiftly on the wing; Oh rest beside the weary road and hear the angels sing.”

6. What child is this by mercy me

“…Raise, raise the song on high, the virgin sings her lullaby: Joy, joy, for christ is born, the babe, the son of mary!”

7. Hark the herald angels sing (charles Wesley)

“… the incarnate Deity Pleased as man with man to dwell Jesus, our Emmanuel Hark! The herald angels sing...Glory to the newborn King!"

8. The first noel 18^th century Ralph vaughn Williams

“…Then let us all with one accord sing praises to our heavenly Lord That hath made Heaven and earth of nought and with his blood mankind has bought. Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel Born is the King of Israel! “

9. Christmas like a child (Third Day) (my top3 most played song this December)

“…I wanna feel Christmas, how it used to be with all of its wonder falling on me the season is felt so empty, Oh for quite awhile I wanna feel Christmas Like a child…”

10. Shake it up (The Train)

“…Shake up the Happiness… Wake up the Happiness… Shake up the happiness…Its Christmas time.”

Allan James’ (my brother) Only Top 2 Christmas Songs

… he said he has only 2 top favorite carols

1. Let it Snow

“… oh the weather outside is frightful but the fire is so delightful, and since we’ve no place to go… let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!”

2. Count Your Blessings (same as mine J)

How about you? What’s your favorite Christmas song? or what soothes you this Christmas? My song #4 isn’t really a happy carol but it definitely warms my heart. The top on my list is not considered a carol but it tells of how significant to me the birth of Jesus is. He is my one and only Christmas. Hugs to Jesus & back!

MERRY MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

*note: search the songs in you tube and enjoy them! December isn’t over yet!

wait 'til it comes... pray 'til it happens...

I’m impatient. I am persistent. I remember when I was still a kid my dad would always say that when I request or ask for something I’ll keep repeating myself. When I grew a little older I heard him telling me the same especially when I remind him of payments in school. When I had my first formal relationship, he said I’m the most overly-eager person he ever met. My girl bestfriend whom I grew up with spiritually said the same thing to me. There seems to be some recurrent theme here. And it proves my first statement. I’m impatient.

For a month now, God has been telling me themes on waiting. I read a book on waiting and a friend suggested I listen to a song that will inspire me to wait. Umm, do I look like that importunate?

But honestly, I’ve never dealt with waiting like this. I’ve never stretched my patience this way. And I’ve never reflected on me this much. I am learning much about myself and the Lord is personally dealing with me. I am dealing with it face to face.

I’m not a prayer warrior. I miss the days when I listen to music, read the bible and pray until I sleep on God’s strong lap or comforting arms. Years and events have passed and those nights are vivid in my mind but I just can’t seem to do it. Was I overtaken by seminary and ministry life? Until I found myself needing that moment again. It is like getting sick and realizing you’ve neglected your vitamins. But please don’t think that I don’t pray. I do! When I had my “retreat in daily life” with a spiritual adviser… I had very critical praying nights… I dialogue with God in the most personal way. But I just don’t have the same intense loving prayer I had years ago when I just listen. These past few months… I’m having them all over again. I am enjoying listening to God and comforting me in many ways… it transforms me. I see it, I feel it and the agonizing pain that comes with it is for me an indication that indeed something is happening in me. I’m learning.

I’m on a journey then I can say. The agony of waiting is painful enough, not to mention the heat I go through just like being molded into silver. The process is hard, the journey is painful. But what made me move on with courage is His comfort and peace. His love, His strength, His grace & His mercy. He is not giving up on me… so I’m not giving up. What a wonderful God.

The most unbelievable thing here for me is to see myself realizing things and actually offering to God in prayer how I’m to do it. It is facing myself and dealing with my own challenging areas. This is an opportunity for me and I need to seize it! absorb it and find the beauty in it… despite the pain & the tears.

I’m but human. I feel. The journey to waiting and prayer led me to silence and just listen to Him. He’s my teacher and each day I hear something from Him. He is my comfort. He is my peach. He is my strength and He pushes me to move… and stand my ground.

He pushes me to wait until the day comes… and to enjoy praying and be transformed by it! I am beginning to understand things, yet I realized there’s still much to learn. Life is short to be passive. People pass by not too often so I better make the most out of relationships. Opportunities to learn that I may have a better future may not come again, so despite the agony… I need to grab the chance to learn.

I don’t know the end to this journey… it may never even come. It may even end the other way around. But i have now… this moment to wait until what I’m waiting for comes… and I have to enjoy my conversation, consultation and learning from the God… who at the same time has His ready hands, shoulders and embrace to comfort and affirm me. Without God….I would definitely be nothing. 

*note from streams in the dessert

Across the ocean...

There should be more to this…

What occurred over the past few days are all… in reality…very overwhelming. But I refuse to be overwhelmed. I am talking to myself and setting my mind not to go overboard. Women tend to do that. Women would go over than what actually happened and think way ahead of whatever there is now. Most men wouldn’t think that way. I just want to spend time remembering over and over again what happened and let it stay that way… for now. I hope.

Yet I don’t have plans of forgetting all that happened over the 7 days that I spent across the ocean. For me, the more I get contented with one moment, another great thing happen on top of it. Until I realize that to compile them all, it is one great story. It was the best week of my life. I’ve never been this thankful that whenever I think of it… I cry happy tears.

On our way across the ocean,  I only had one prayer that in this trip God will show me a confirmation enough for me to stay in this journey with him. I’ve never ever felt this way for so many years. The many years that I depended on myself and did everything myself, here comes someone offering a hand.  

I don’t know what but maybe it was the way you looked at my eyes, or the way you held and pressed my hand, or the way you hugged me close to you that told me you’re actually here by my side. Was it the whispers you gave me or the fact that you showed your care? Maybe it was when you covered the window to protect me from the sun or when you wanted me close during the journey. There was something there… there must be more to those things that happened.

Or could it be the way we had plain joy and fun playing and joking around with each other, walking hand in hand exploring a whole new different place that made it all extremely memorable… maybe that added to it.

Your good night the first day and your good morning the second day, and the personal good nights and good mornings each day that I opened my eyes gave me more than joy. Anything more than that is like a bonus from God. It was across the ocean that God gave me simple joys through you. I believe that they were the confirmations and the many things about what you showed me that left me in awe.

All these are memories I don’t ever want to forget. It is the first time I felt like crying because of joy with just these actions… Every time I thank God because of what happened to us… tears fall down and my heart jumps. This time alone...while we were across the ocean, gave so much joy to my life.

If this is God’s confirmation then I am willing to stay and wait…  

Summer Picnic

         

            It was the very first summer picnic of our lives

            Every drying plant appeared as green as it can be

            as we sat under a shady tree we claimed to be ours

            and took in the breeze of the lagoon in front of us

            It was the very first summer picnic of our lives

            We basked under the rays of the sun peeking 

                      through the leaves above us

            We witnessed how it moved from East to West 

                     bringing us along the journey

            It felt like God’s way of telling us that there will 

                     be a long journey ahead

 

            We waited on to watch it drop down 

                     behind the trees

            Not darkening our glimpse of 

                    what’s in store

            But rather leaving us an excited 

                    feeling of hope

            That coming are wonderful days 

                   of beautiful sunsets for us

            It was the very first summer picnic of our lives

            God’s amazing creation witnessed as we     

            We shared stories of our lives, thoughts, and laughter

            Moments that bonded us with the natural environment 

                   around us

            We were like two beautiful flowers waiting to 

                  bloom in spring time

            Or like two cocoons waiting to be hatched,

            And when the beautiful butterfly comes out

            We’ll be looking forward to the spring, autumn 

                 and winter picnics of our lives.

            This is just the very first summer picnic of our lives.