My Brief Monastic Life

THE 1^ST CUP

I was surprised to see a wedding at the monastery that early afternoon after taking my first cup of the most famous monks’ brew. I was just starting to take everything in and I felt so privileged. I have reviewed the monk’s prayer schedules and felt excited to spend those quiet moments with them. And finally, I have taken my first 3-hour sleep after 32 hours of being awake with only a 10min nap during the 3-hour bus ride to Bukidnon and an hour of not-deep-sleep in the plane ride to Cagayan de Oro.

The first bell I heard at 4.45pm signaled the time for Vespers – an evening prayer. I went up the monastery with 2 other retreatants and a warm & loving nun, sister Marily who was staying over for the weekend with her sisters.

Brother Ethiel, a novice monk who entered the postulate 3 months ago with 2 other postulants, was assigned that week to assist the retreatants. He handed over to me two songbooks… so I thought there would be quiet singing or maybe soft worship. I was appalled as the vespers began.

How in the world have I forgotten that the monks chant their prayers. I have listened to lauds and abbey choirs during my pray-as-you-go moments and have admired the Celtics… how then could I have not anticipated the chants.

It was a very special vesper for me. it was my first vesper ever. By 7pm, I attend the Vigil, the night prayer done on eve of Sundays. And so of course we chanted again the prayers until it was time for silence in the rooms. With my sneezing and loud blowing of nose (I had nose allergy remember), I started Dr. Ado’s guided retreat for me. As I wrote in my journal that night, I let it all out. The cry I have been suppressing for many months now came out… I cried for forgiveness and being able to forgive. I cried pains & complains, I cried for pleas and peace… there, in the quiet solitude of my room up the mountains with the night lamp on… I cried like a child.

FOR WHOM THE BELL TOLLS

That Saturday night, my first night… Sr. Marilyn asked me if I’ll attend LAUDS early morning the next day… I said yes. If it’s going to start at 4am, she said she’ll have to pass. But I was decided to do so even if prayer begins at 3am.

That was what I told myself before I went to bed. As my alarm rung was a different story. After the alarm woke me up at 4am I immediately switched it off deciding I should just sleep off the lauds just like Sr. Marilyn since I was really tired from the long travel and hard cry that night. By 5am… another story began. The big chrome bell by the monastery rang so loud that I felt it was pushing me out of my bed. Little by little the bell rang louder… I hurried when I heard a soft noise from the room Sr. Marlyn shared with her sisters and thought… if she’ll attend the early morning prayer… I’ll be there too. I hurriedly bathe and prepared while another bell (in a different tone) rang in harmony with the first bell. Two big bells are now calling me! I felt like Cinderella who wanted to despise the clock for pushing her around to start work. I made the flight up the monastery praying my nose wouldn’t cat up until the bell stopped.

I was a few minutes late that morning. Yet the prayer was memorable. My nose didn’t act up. And I felt a wonderful morning breeze as the sun rises.


God’s love is wonderful… He is merciful, even if we don’t live up to being worthy… He continually gives good things…. reflections from being tardy that morning… and I swore it won’t happen again. 

My Brief Monastic Life

THE ASCENT

Inspired by Phileena’s book, me – a mountain climber in m own right and a pilgrim by heart, wished Dom Elias just told me to walk towards the monastery from the front gate instead of instructing me to take the multi cab. After meeting a family before I headed to the road towards the monastery, I took a habal-habal instead which is way cheaper and which suited the adventurous me. the driver can’t speak fluent Filipino so we both picked up whatever word we could distinguish from each other. And just as my instincts have prodded me, he dropped me off at the old monastery which was nowhere near the new monastery and guest house where I was to go. Following signs and instructions from the people at the gift shop by the gate, I took on the road towards the new monastery and I smiled as I saw from afar it’s roof that pointed towards the heavens. It was beautiful even from afar. But as I walked on, I realized the road was longer that I appeared to be and I began to wonder if I was still on the right way. Nevertheless I walked on smiling and sighing… so I got what I wanted – a long walk up from the gate, after all. It was a rough-3km hike!

The walk was breath taking. I saw golden rice fields, pine trees (my favorite) and other crops and plants as if welcoming me before I enter what would be my sanctuary. Tired, perspiring but excited upon reaching the top… there it was in front of me. A sight any architect would drool over, a sanctuary that would stop any pilgrim’s breath. There’s something about this place and the atmosphere that told me… “we’ve been waiting for you”… & I whispered… “Shalom to me”… then I decided… it is time to rest.

My Brief Monastic Life

PROLOGUE: Bold as Coffee, Great as Heaven

I finally had to take this trip after postponing it for 2 months due to time & financial constraints. My world has been caving in on me and within that time delay, my reserved energy is acting up yet all the more I held on to God’s strength and power until I journey up the mountains of Bukidnon.

It is my first time to go off somewhere with no other agenda but to be by myself, be quiet, sing alone and be away from the noise of my life for a week… on my own for a week.

It was a brave act for me to take the early 3am flight and rely on whatever I have researched in the net on how I’ll be doing this trip. This could be exciting, I thought to myself… but at the same time afraid that I may not make the wisest choices for my meager budget. But since it’s happening now, I know this is God’s right timing and everything will work out fine.

It was a Bold move I had to take for my sanity. The nose allergy I had been having for some days due to stress (I knew the symptoms!) needed distressing.

I needed the stillness and peace of heaven and the comfort of coffee. 

The space between us…

For three months now I’m learning to keep a low profile with you and be quiet. I know you needed the space so I respected it. I was sensitive enough to know that you cannot afford any other pressures other than what you have now so I kept my space. In this space between us a lot of things changed in me. It allowed me to absorb who I really am and to see my God in a different plane.

During this space, I learned to love my God more than I love you. My God asked me to carry my cross daily and see that I can do nothing without Him. I was able to bear it out without you but God kept me company and kept me running through life. I learned to be thankful in everything. I learned to thank the Lord for all that occurred between us and for just how much you showed me you care.

During this space, I learned to appreciate the good mornings you send my way. You may fail not to a couple of times but each early morning you say that, it felt like receiving a windfall from God. I learned to understand that that’s just how you want it to be and I tried as hard as I could to understand the things you have to do. I remember you telling me 5 months ago that I just have to just be here. And so I did.

Despite this space, I was there watching you shine. I was at the sidelines praying hard that He keeps you in the palm of His hands. You know that. That’s what I tell you early everyday after your good mornings.

Even with the great realizations and transformation that occurred in me whilst we had this space in between us… I must admit I miss you. I tried to keep myself an arms length but deep inside somehow I felt we were never really invisible. Sorry for missing you. Sorry for everything that occurred before this. But these months of distance somehow made me see things at a different view.

Thank you for the good mornings… somehow that, words spoken before, prayers and God’s love are just the only things that hold the space in between us.

Somehow, in wonderful ways…I know that this space in between us will be broken… and that God will erase it and will bring us back together again. 

Meaningless…

Each time opportunities to serve come, I ask the Lord, not once but twice whether I’m worthy to do it? And He said… I made you worthy my child… it is not of your own doing…but Mine.

I try to do my best, I try to be humble in everything, I try not to seek to be praised, I prepare whenever I travel for mission work… but at that critical moment… when I’m near my destination, I feel the cramps in my stomach and thumping of the heart… I ask the Lord, not once but twice whether I can do it despite doing it many times before… and He said… You won’t do it my child… I’ll do it…

As I make my way home after every mission work, after counseling sessions, after delivering talks or seminars, after inspiring others, after working with the youth or the thirsty churches… I always lay down on my bed looking at the ceiling and cry… Lord, how come I thought I came to bless but I was all the more blessed… Then I just crunch in tears feeling love… and more than ever, I asked the Lord again, not once but twice who really was blessed by whom? And He said… You didn’t get it my child… not your works blessed… but I blessed you and them…

Realizing the whole month of January that it is not about me but it is about God’s transformative power I too was reading the book of Ecclesiastes and everything seems to come together… I felt it somewhere in my stomach, in the midst of my heart and understanding of my mind that's what's happening and what I’m reading are God’s words for me. I simply cry… I cry a lot these days… all I do… all that surrounds me are all meaningless… LESS OF ME…MORE OF HIM…I am meaningless but with Him… everything else becomes something more. 

Finding my well...

A friend with a wonderful insight provoked a feeling in me that I can’t just seem to explain.  Few people knew how hard my days go on each day, how painful the ache is and just how I am asking God to take the cup from me. I simply find myself saying… Father, I’m tired. To be in this state is the last thing I ever wanted. To feel this way is not my card anymore and I didn’t expect to ever be this way again ever. I avoided it for so many years… and I covered myself with so great walls that in a year slowly fell down until it all hit fully crushed on the ground exposing me to the worse. Believe me… this is the last thing I ever wanted.

Thrice… or more I think, I found myself embracing the Father in my sleep. I found myself leaning my head on His shoulders while repeatedly saying I’m tired. I wanted Him to talk to me and tell me what’s going on but He kept answering like old Mr. Miyagi where I’d have to read between the lines to pick up the message… even if I do decipher them…I am still not assured. Part of me still can’t seem to understand or see and no matter how badly broken and busted I am… the more He sends people giving me opportunities to bless others. How can I worry and cry at night, then He’d wake me up and use me when morning comes… the answer to that I can’t seem to know. All I feel, see and realize, is that no matter how smashed I may feel, if He wants to use me, He will.

But when the night comes again…I feel tired. For weeks and weeks now… my heart wanted to explode as it punches hard to the chest cavity that surrounds it. If I’d allow it to be broken… then my whole world would shatter… it is shattering now… and all I can say is that Lord… I’m tired… can You please take this cup from me? What is your plan? I can’t keep up and I can’t back down…

My wonderful Father is my well… I have to keep drinking from Him at night because the day simply sucks out everything from me. That time of simply letting my tears fall and telling Him… Father, can’t You see… Your daughter is tired. Can You not just take me now and be with You in eternity, that is the time He lets me drink from His well.

I still get thirsty… I am always thirsty. I still ask Him why… and I still tell Him I am tired. I tell Him I’m crushed, and I tell Him this is just too much. In that moment of thirst, while tears fall and He allows me to drink from His well…I wake up the next day doing what I believe He wants me to do. I’m striving each day to make a difference in other people’s lives. Listening & helping… even soul tending, and they tell me they feel loved. Then and there I realize… I am really nothing. How can I do it when I myself is broken. That alone is my Father’s work…no credit should be given to me. Maybe that’s how the Lord wants to use me.

When I heard my friend talk about being fully human and how it is to be really contemplative…I saw myself thinking about my own idea on that… the more inadequate I feel, the more I turn to Jesus… and when I’m most uncomfortable with myself… that’s when I get contemplative… that’s when I drink from His well.

Jesus answered and said to her, “if you knew the gift of God, and who it is who says to you, ‘Give Me a drink,’ you would have asked Him, and He would have given you living water… “everyone who drinks of this water will thirst again; but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him shall never thirst; but the water that I will give him will become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life.”

John 4: 10, 13-14

Suffering...

Just as I began to question my suffering, those close to me started to send in their own version of this unbearable word. I didn’t ask them to but in that aching moment I heard their own cries. Why do we have to go through this? Is God still hearing our pleas?

Am I allowed to rant? Am I allowed to complain? Help me to understand. Is it pride when you realize that you care and love but they keep hurting you? Where is the glory when someone tells you they’ve gone numb? Why do others barely hold up to the fact of being apart to loved ones because of essentials in life? What is the happy ending for two people in love yet can’t be together? Why does a good person go through depression because others took her smile away? Why do people tell you they love you but when you change into a different person because of illness they will not even say hi? Why do people come into someone else’s life just to hurt them? Why do people make reasons to be loved but when you get in their boat they leave you out in the cold? Why do people need to forgive someone they loved all their lives but has been deceiving them? What is the reward for a person with unrequited love? Why? Why?

Suffering makes one to somehow lose direction… lose ground… or even lose hope. Suffering raises questions that no one else can answer… It kills every amount of strength that you had somehow stored in. It weakens your soul and makes you lose that grip.

In that very anguished moment, you lie your head on one side of your pillow, numb and with tears falling down, you are silent… and in that very breaking moment… you realize, there is nothing else you can do. You don’t know what else to do… you don’t know how else to ease your every excruciating infliction. You begin gasping for air and realize that only God holds that thin line of life & strength that you have. And that thin line, when held by the mighty comforter is strong enough to get you through days… or months… or years of agonizing moments… you don’t know when it will stop or when will the sun rise again but He keeps you through…

God wants us to always have that moment of dependence on Him…that’s all He asks…we depend on Him not just in heartrending moments but in pleasant ones. Now don’t forget this moment… this moment of hanging only to His heartbeat… because this will keep us holding on….Hold fast… help is on the way…

‘Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’

Isaiah 41:10

. pain

Pain pinches the softest muscle of your heart and blocks all the positivities that can encourage your mind. It tells your whole body to stop and to just stare as the whole world around you goes by. It makes you crunch in one corner of the bed and realize you’re starting to love sleeping horizontally on the bed. Sometimes, it makes you think of sleeping and waking up only after 10 years. Pain has the power to introduce to you the word FEAR which you bypassed when all things began. It leads you to doubt until you finally lose all your faith. You try your very best to fight it off but pain seems to creep in every part of your body, every aspect of your life and in every corner of your world.

Pain sucks out every inch of hope and inspiration that has built you and has filled you. It covers all amount of victory you once had and makes you wonder if you’ll get by this once again. Pain seems to overwrite all intelligence, degrees, trainings, and achievement you’ve been busy with. Pain makes you hear nothing. Pain makes you lose your clock.

It makes you come into a fetal position…eyes wide open, staring at the blank wall, mind freezing

… heart slowly crushing and no matter how numb you feel…and how slowly you die down… tears fall.

. Pain

My Christmas Playlist

Christmas wouldn’t be complete without the carols. Me and my brother grew up with dad and mom playing old & new Christmas carols in many different versions. I even remember when I was still in high school...one December night...our family sat by the stairs of our rented apartment...the house dark and Christmas lights were the only sparks that we have while carols sung by the Osbourne brothers are being played in our old Akai stereo. So even as years passed by, me & my brother have always been a fan of Christmas carols. Inspired by a set of Christmas carols sung in ATS chapel one time, I decided to make my top ten list and consistently play them this December. One of my professors, an OT scholar, mentioned to me the theology behind them while we sang and I enjoyed analyzing them myself. It speaks so much of Jesus, NT words combined with OT words. But taking away those stuff... simply put, these songs touched my heart.

On our way home from a family get-together last December 25, my brother played a Christmas carol and said it’s his number 2 favorite. He too has a list! Just as I suspected! He made everyone in the car guess what’s his no.1 and I was the only one who guessed it right… I’ve known him the longest and I know what’s on top of his list.

Let me share my list here and I’ve included some significant lines from the songs (&carols) that made me feel the real meaning of Christmas… Love, Salvation, Hope… yes, there is hope.

My Christmas Playlist

1. How deep the Father’s love

“…How great the pain of searing loss, The Father turns His face away As wounds which mar the chosen One, Bring many sons to glory…”

2. Count Your blessings (Diana Krall)

“…If you're worried and you can't sleep, Just count your blessings instead of sheep. And you'll fall asleep counting your blessings…”

3. Thou didst leave thy throne

            “…O come to my heart, Lord Jesus, There is room in my heart for Thee!”

4. Christmas Lights (Coldplay)

“Those Christmas lights Light up the street down where the sea and city meet may all your troubles soon be gone …Oh Christmas lights keep shining on”

“…Up above candles on air flicker, Oh they flicker and they float but I'm up here holding on to all those chandeliers of hope”

5. It came upon a midnight clear version (Kutless version)

“…O ye beneath life's crushing load, whose forms are bending low, who toil along the climbing way with painful steps and slow; Look now, for glad and golden hours come swiftly on the wing; Oh rest beside the weary road and hear the angels sing.”

6. What child is this by mercy me

“…Raise, raise the song on high, the virgin sings her lullaby: Joy, joy, for christ is born, the babe, the son of mary!”

7. Hark the herald angels sing (charles Wesley)

“… the incarnate Deity Pleased as man with man to dwell Jesus, our Emmanuel Hark! The herald angels sing...Glory to the newborn King!"

8. The first noel 18^th century Ralph vaughn Williams

“…Then let us all with one accord sing praises to our heavenly Lord That hath made Heaven and earth of nought and with his blood mankind has bought. Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel Born is the King of Israel! “

9. Christmas like a child (Third Day) (my top3 most played song this December)

“…I wanna feel Christmas, how it used to be with all of its wonder falling on me the season is felt so empty, Oh for quite awhile I wanna feel Christmas Like a child…”

10. Shake it up (The Train)

“…Shake up the Happiness… Wake up the Happiness… Shake up the happiness…Its Christmas time.”

Allan James’ (my brother) Only Top 2 Christmas Songs

… he said he has only 2 top favorite carols

1. Let it Snow

“… oh the weather outside is frightful but the fire is so delightful, and since we’ve no place to go… let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!”

2. Count Your Blessings (same as mine J)

How about you? What’s your favorite Christmas song? or what soothes you this Christmas? My song #4 isn’t really a happy carol but it definitely warms my heart. The top on my list is not considered a carol but it tells of how significant to me the birth of Jesus is. He is my one and only Christmas. Hugs to Jesus & back!

MERRY MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

*note: search the songs in you tube and enjoy them! December isn’t over yet!

wait 'til it comes... pray 'til it happens...

I’m impatient. I am persistent. I remember when I was still a kid my dad would always say that when I request or ask for something I’ll keep repeating myself. When I grew a little older I heard him telling me the same especially when I remind him of payments in school. When I had my first formal relationship, he said I’m the most overly-eager person he ever met. My girl bestfriend whom I grew up with spiritually said the same thing to me. There seems to be some recurrent theme here. And it proves my first statement. I’m impatient.

For a month now, God has been telling me themes on waiting. I read a book on waiting and a friend suggested I listen to a song that will inspire me to wait. Umm, do I look like that importunate?

But honestly, I’ve never dealt with waiting like this. I’ve never stretched my patience this way. And I’ve never reflected on me this much. I am learning much about myself and the Lord is personally dealing with me. I am dealing with it face to face.

I’m not a prayer warrior. I miss the days when I listen to music, read the bible and pray until I sleep on God’s strong lap or comforting arms. Years and events have passed and those nights are vivid in my mind but I just can’t seem to do it. Was I overtaken by seminary and ministry life? Until I found myself needing that moment again. It is like getting sick and realizing you’ve neglected your vitamins. But please don’t think that I don’t pray. I do! When I had my “retreat in daily life” with a spiritual adviser… I had very critical praying nights… I dialogue with God in the most personal way. But I just don’t have the same intense loving prayer I had years ago when I just listen. These past few months… I’m having them all over again. I am enjoying listening to God and comforting me in many ways… it transforms me. I see it, I feel it and the agonizing pain that comes with it is for me an indication that indeed something is happening in me. I’m learning.

I’m on a journey then I can say. The agony of waiting is painful enough, not to mention the heat I go through just like being molded into silver. The process is hard, the journey is painful. But what made me move on with courage is His comfort and peace. His love, His strength, His grace & His mercy. He is not giving up on me… so I’m not giving up. What a wonderful God.

The most unbelievable thing here for me is to see myself realizing things and actually offering to God in prayer how I’m to do it. It is facing myself and dealing with my own challenging areas. This is an opportunity for me and I need to seize it! absorb it and find the beauty in it… despite the pain & the tears.

I’m but human. I feel. The journey to waiting and prayer led me to silence and just listen to Him. He’s my teacher and each day I hear something from Him. He is my comfort. He is my peach. He is my strength and He pushes me to move… and stand my ground.

He pushes me to wait until the day comes… and to enjoy praying and be transformed by it! I am beginning to understand things, yet I realized there’s still much to learn. Life is short to be passive. People pass by not too often so I better make the most out of relationships. Opportunities to learn that I may have a better future may not come again, so despite the agony… I need to grab the chance to learn.

I don’t know the end to this journey… it may never even come. It may even end the other way around. But i have now… this moment to wait until what I’m waiting for comes… and I have to enjoy my conversation, consultation and learning from the God… who at the same time has His ready hands, shoulders and embrace to comfort and affirm me. Without God….I would definitely be nothing. 

*note from streams in the dessert

Across the ocean...

There should be more to this…

What occurred over the past few days are all… in reality…very overwhelming. But I refuse to be overwhelmed. I am talking to myself and setting my mind not to go overboard. Women tend to do that. Women would go over than what actually happened and think way ahead of whatever there is now. Most men wouldn’t think that way. I just want to spend time remembering over and over again what happened and let it stay that way… for now. I hope.

Yet I don’t have plans of forgetting all that happened over the 7 days that I spent across the ocean. For me, the more I get contented with one moment, another great thing happen on top of it. Until I realize that to compile them all, it is one great story. It was the best week of my life. I’ve never been this thankful that whenever I think of it… I cry happy tears.

On our way across the ocean,  I only had one prayer that in this trip God will show me a confirmation enough for me to stay in this journey with him. I’ve never ever felt this way for so many years. The many years that I depended on myself and did everything myself, here comes someone offering a hand.  

I don’t know what but maybe it was the way you looked at my eyes, or the way you held and pressed my hand, or the way you hugged me close to you that told me you’re actually here by my side. Was it the whispers you gave me or the fact that you showed your care? Maybe it was when you covered the window to protect me from the sun or when you wanted me close during the journey. There was something there… there must be more to those things that happened.

Or could it be the way we had plain joy and fun playing and joking around with each other, walking hand in hand exploring a whole new different place that made it all extremely memorable… maybe that added to it.

Your good night the first day and your good morning the second day, and the personal good nights and good mornings each day that I opened my eyes gave me more than joy. Anything more than that is like a bonus from God. It was across the ocean that God gave me simple joys through you. I believe that they were the confirmations and the many things about what you showed me that left me in awe.

All these are memories I don’t ever want to forget. It is the first time I felt like crying because of joy with just these actions… Every time I thank God because of what happened to us… tears fall down and my heart jumps. This time alone...while we were across the ocean, gave so much joy to my life.

If this is God’s confirmation then I am willing to stay and wait…  

Summer Picnic

         

            It was the very first summer picnic of our lives

            Every drying plant appeared as green as it can be

            as we sat under a shady tree we claimed to be ours

            and took in the breeze of the lagoon in front of us

            It was the very first summer picnic of our lives

            We basked under the rays of the sun peeking 

                      through the leaves above us

            We witnessed how it moved from East to West 

                     bringing us along the journey

            It felt like God’s way of telling us that there will 

                     be a long journey ahead

 

            We waited on to watch it drop down 

                     behind the trees

            Not darkening our glimpse of 

                    what’s in store

            But rather leaving us an excited 

                    feeling of hope

            That coming are wonderful days 

                   of beautiful sunsets for us

            It was the very first summer picnic of our lives

            God’s amazing creation witnessed as we     

            We shared stories of our lives, thoughts, and laughter

            Moments that bonded us with the natural environment 

                   around us

            We were like two beautiful flowers waiting to 

                  bloom in spring time

            Or like two cocoons waiting to be hatched,

            And when the beautiful butterfly comes out

            We’ll be looking forward to the spring, autumn 

                 and winter picnics of our lives.

            This is just the very first summer picnic of our lives. 

Ruthie was afraid to swim...

Ruthie never thought she’ll be afraid to dive in the water. For some years now, Ruthie has been acting cool not being able to have a taste of the ocean nor the pool that was once hers. She was once a swimmer and has always loved swimming. She lived in complete contentment just by jumping over from that springboard as she gracefully launches her stroke. Ruthie loved the water so much. She was a pro in this field.

Years went by and new opportunities happen, swimmers came and swimmers go until she realized that this sport is way past behind her. She sobbed for sometime as she lets go of the one true thing that matters to her heart. In prayer, she heard the Lord leading her to other sports that would need her expertise. Younger swimmers came and Ruthie knew it was time to give them the stage.

Ruthie took on her new career with much hope and enthusiasm. Having developed strong legs and arms all through her swimming career, Ruthie was now running and climbing. She bravely traversed every road and the once watery arena that she conquered was changed into fields of stones and concretes and other earthly substance. More so, she was teaching others to properly do the same. Ruthie equipped herself and mastered in this field. She was not just a runner or a climber… she became a mentor and teacher to others. She became a pro in this field.

Years and years passed. Never did Ruthie expect an opportunity to once dive in would come. But this could be the last dive of her life. The last swim she’ll ever take. But there is a hitch before she can make her stroke. She has to wait and train and practice discipline again for some time. She’ll be part of a team that she totally haven’t met before. To win, she has to go through the same rigid training she once was threading through when she was a star swimmer athlete. Victory would mean a coveted swimmer athlete award. Only the fittest swimmers can go through this. Only those with tough swimming experience.

Ruthie said yes to the challenge. But she almost dragged herself to go through days of warm up and required preps. She was almost hesitant to go through this same, pressuring, hard-knock training in swimming. But something tells her this victory might be hers. As she started her swim routines, Ruthie was dumbfounded looking at the water beneath the springboard. Ruthie cannot dive in. Her knees shook and inside her, she knew she was scared. It was still part of the training process but she can’t start. She was too afraid. It felt that as if it is the first time. Ruthie, for the first time didn’t know how to swim.

She forced herself to jump in but every movement in the water was out of whack. Ruthie made a mess.

Before she continued the training process, Ruthie visited her old coach. She knew she had to do this before she ruins what could be her last opportunity to swim. She told him she never thought she would ever be this fearful to dive in. It’s been years.

What the coach told Ruthie shook her off her reverie.

“God’s way with us is to move us from dependence and immaturity to responsibility. There are no soft options in this journey.”* He told Ruthie that she has received many blessings in the swimming field way back and even in her marathons and climbing expeditions and even in touching other people’s lives. But now, she must joyfully accept the difficulties of training and discipline again in order to be transformed into a much greater swimmer.

And her mentor added…

Difficulty from the hand of a loving God is but a future blessing in disguise.*

Hebrews 10:36 says, You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.

After cries and pleas in prayer, Ruthie felt she could somehow jump in. Her knees still shake. There is even a new fear of drowning. She knew this couldn’t be her field anymore but she saw this training as another way to transform her. That could be the victory she can achieve.

Though with feeble hands and bones, and fearful eyes, with God’s hand guiding her… Ruthie thinks she will be able to dive in. And that alone is her victory. J

“You have granted me many blessings; now let me also accept what is hard from your hand.”

 Prayer from Prison by Dietrich Bonhoeffer.

* Coach’s words are from Charles Ringma, Seize the Day with Dietrich Bonhoeffer. 

Broken to Serve...

It took more than just a tear drop to ask the Lord “why me?” I intended it not to sound as if I’m angry at Him… no I’m not. I just wanted to know the purpose… the why…

I can say that in the area of brokenness, and pain… I’m an expert. Ask me about it and I can recount to you countless moments when I cried, fell on my knees and spent days and nights alone just talking to Him and imagining my head on His lap. Maybe He enjoyed that moment of my undivided attention so it kept coming.

But sometimes it’s just soo hard to fall and realize you’re left feeling unworthy of everything. And I don’t know how to explain it all but in the middle of tears and sobs, I hear Him calling me for something. Isn’t that a little ironic? The more I am broken the more I can hear His voice…

My quiet talks with Him lately, and reflective moments (that comes with age), made me see who I am in front of Him. It made me analyze the wrong turns that I’ve taken and those times that I took the wheel of my life from Him. Plus the circumstances of disobedience… Each day He makes me see the real cost of being a disciple and follower. Learning from the lives of those whom He has chosen in the New Testament, I saw just how unworthy I am to be called. But they learned… and now I should learn from it too. I should take those characteristics and use it in the context of how I’m living my life.

Reading their lives and how the Lord called them sounded so easy… but as I experience this character & heart clean-up by the Lord, it can never be harder than how it was for Peter, John, or James then… Now, I have them as examples so I would know what to do… maybe I shouldn’t make it that hard for me… maybe I’m putting too much pressure on myself… am I ? Or am I too laid back?

Just before I wrote this, I read Jesus’ encounter with His disciples while they were trying to catch some fish. It was, I believe, the third time he appeared to them after He raised from the dead. (John 21)… and after that I felt ashamed… I had sooo little trust and sooo big doubts. I doubted that the Lord will work out my life… I’m soo bad… and He talked to me in that chapter! He reminded me that He is bigger than any doubt in my mind. I was even in awe when a woman mentor in church whom I look up a lot to (not to mention listen a lot to) said something to me about the cross. God never fails and He will not forsake us.. He still can do His plan no matter what it caused…He made a move once on the cross to show us His everlasting love for us…my dear...don't despair.

Just seeing the word cross made me bow down in humility… that I am really weak and can’t do anything no matter how hard I work. I have doubts and fears yes, but the great sacrifice He made on the cross is so powerful. That my God is still in control of everything. Isn’t it comforting to know? That He is in-charge of my life no matter what. Oh why couldn’t I trust Him more!!!

The disciples had too much hard encounters with Him. They also had heart-clean-ups. They were broken, they defiled, they had doubts too… but they were called to be His servants. They were asked to obey and to follow because of His love. The love that can surpass the love this empty world has made us see…

I am weak yes, not even worthy of anything… but His great love, as shown on the cross, has made me able to do all these things


I can say I am broken, even have a contrite spirit… but I can hear Him calling me… not just an instrument but a servant… I can feel and see His work in me… I just need strength.

“But God wants people who are broken-hearted, broken-minded, broken-prided”
Oswald Chambers

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted,

and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
Psalm 34:18 (NIV)