The space between us…

For three months now I’m learning to keep a low profile with you and be quiet. I know you needed the space so I respected it. I was sensitive enough to know that you cannot afford any other pressures other than what you have now so I kept my space. In this space between us a lot of things changed in me. It allowed me to absorb who I really am and to see my God in a different plane.

During this space, I learned to love my God more than I love you. My God asked me to carry my cross daily and see that I can do nothing without Him. I was able to bear it out without you but God kept me company and kept me running through life. I learned to be thankful in everything. I learned to thank the Lord for all that occurred between us and for just how much you showed me you care.

During this space, I learned to appreciate the good mornings you send my way. You may fail not to a couple of times but each early morning you say that, it felt like receiving a windfall from God. I learned to understand that that’s just how you want it to be and I tried as hard as I could to understand the things you have to do. I remember you telling me 5 months ago that I just have to just be here. And so I did.

Despite this space, I was there watching you shine. I was at the sidelines praying hard that He keeps you in the palm of His hands. You know that. That’s what I tell you early everyday after your good mornings.

Even with the great realizations and transformation that occurred in me whilst we had this space in between us… I must admit I miss you. I tried to keep myself an arms length but deep inside somehow I felt we were never really invisible. Sorry for missing you. Sorry for everything that occurred before this. But these months of distance somehow made me see things at a different view.

Thank you for the good mornings… somehow that, words spoken before, prayers and God’s love are just the only things that hold the space in between us.

Somehow, in wonderful ways…I know that this space in between us will be broken… and that God will erase it and will bring us back together again. 

Meaningless…

Each time opportunities to serve come, I ask the Lord, not once but twice whether I’m worthy to do it? And He said… I made you worthy my child… it is not of your own doing…but Mine.

I try to do my best, I try to be humble in everything, I try not to seek to be praised, I prepare whenever I travel for mission work… but at that critical moment… when I’m near my destination, I feel the cramps in my stomach and thumping of the heart… I ask the Lord, not once but twice whether I can do it despite doing it many times before… and He said… You won’t do it my child… I’ll do it…

As I make my way home after every mission work, after counseling sessions, after delivering talks or seminars, after inspiring others, after working with the youth or the thirsty churches… I always lay down on my bed looking at the ceiling and cry… Lord, how come I thought I came to bless but I was all the more blessed… Then I just crunch in tears feeling love… and more than ever, I asked the Lord again, not once but twice who really was blessed by whom? And He said… You didn’t get it my child… not your works blessed… but I blessed you and them…

Realizing the whole month of January that it is not about me but it is about God’s transformative power I too was reading the book of Ecclesiastes and everything seems to come together… I felt it somewhere in my stomach, in the midst of my heart and understanding of my mind that's what's happening and what I’m reading are God’s words for me. I simply cry… I cry a lot these days… all I do… all that surrounds me are all meaningless… LESS OF ME…MORE OF HIM…I am meaningless but with Him… everything else becomes something more. 

Finding my well...

A friend with a wonderful insight provoked a feeling in me that I can’t just seem to explain.  Few people knew how hard my days go on each day, how painful the ache is and just how I am asking God to take the cup from me. I simply find myself saying… Father, I’m tired. To be in this state is the last thing I ever wanted. To feel this way is not my card anymore and I didn’t expect to ever be this way again ever. I avoided it for so many years… and I covered myself with so great walls that in a year slowly fell down until it all hit fully crushed on the ground exposing me to the worse. Believe me… this is the last thing I ever wanted.

Thrice… or more I think, I found myself embracing the Father in my sleep. I found myself leaning my head on His shoulders while repeatedly saying I’m tired. I wanted Him to talk to me and tell me what’s going on but He kept answering like old Mr. Miyagi where I’d have to read between the lines to pick up the message… even if I do decipher them…I am still not assured. Part of me still can’t seem to understand or see and no matter how badly broken and busted I am… the more He sends people giving me opportunities to bless others. How can I worry and cry at night, then He’d wake me up and use me when morning comes… the answer to that I can’t seem to know. All I feel, see and realize, is that no matter how smashed I may feel, if He wants to use me, He will.

But when the night comes again…I feel tired. For weeks and weeks now… my heart wanted to explode as it punches hard to the chest cavity that surrounds it. If I’d allow it to be broken… then my whole world would shatter… it is shattering now… and all I can say is that Lord… I’m tired… can You please take this cup from me? What is your plan? I can’t keep up and I can’t back down…

My wonderful Father is my well… I have to keep drinking from Him at night because the day simply sucks out everything from me. That time of simply letting my tears fall and telling Him… Father, can’t You see… Your daughter is tired. Can You not just take me now and be with You in eternity, that is the time He lets me drink from His well.

I still get thirsty… I am always thirsty. I still ask Him why… and I still tell Him I am tired. I tell Him I’m crushed, and I tell Him this is just too much. In that moment of thirst, while tears fall and He allows me to drink from His well…I wake up the next day doing what I believe He wants me to do. I’m striving each day to make a difference in other people’s lives. Listening & helping… even soul tending, and they tell me they feel loved. Then and there I realize… I am really nothing. How can I do it when I myself is broken. That alone is my Father’s work…no credit should be given to me. Maybe that’s how the Lord wants to use me.

When I heard my friend talk about being fully human and how it is to be really contemplative…I saw myself thinking about my own idea on that… the more inadequate I feel, the more I turn to Jesus… and when I’m most uncomfortable with myself… that’s when I get contemplative… that’s when I drink from His well.

Jesus answered and said to her, “if you knew the gift of God, and who it is who says to you, ‘Give Me a drink,’ you would have asked Him, and He would have given you living water… “everyone who drinks of this water will thirst again; but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him shall never thirst; but the water that I will give him will become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life.”

John 4: 10, 13-14

Suffering...

Just as I began to question my suffering, those close to me started to send in their own version of this unbearable word. I didn’t ask them to but in that aching moment I heard their own cries. Why do we have to go through this? Is God still hearing our pleas?

Am I allowed to rant? Am I allowed to complain? Help me to understand. Is it pride when you realize that you care and love but they keep hurting you? Where is the glory when someone tells you they’ve gone numb? Why do others barely hold up to the fact of being apart to loved ones because of essentials in life? What is the happy ending for two people in love yet can’t be together? Why does a good person go through depression because others took her smile away? Why do people tell you they love you but when you change into a different person because of illness they will not even say hi? Why do people come into someone else’s life just to hurt them? Why do people make reasons to be loved but when you get in their boat they leave you out in the cold? Why do people need to forgive someone they loved all their lives but has been deceiving them? What is the reward for a person with unrequited love? Why? Why?

Suffering makes one to somehow lose direction… lose ground… or even lose hope. Suffering raises questions that no one else can answer… It kills every amount of strength that you had somehow stored in. It weakens your soul and makes you lose that grip.

In that very anguished moment, you lie your head on one side of your pillow, numb and with tears falling down, you are silent… and in that very breaking moment… you realize, there is nothing else you can do. You don’t know what else to do… you don’t know how else to ease your every excruciating infliction. You begin gasping for air and realize that only God holds that thin line of life & strength that you have. And that thin line, when held by the mighty comforter is strong enough to get you through days… or months… or years of agonizing moments… you don’t know when it will stop or when will the sun rise again but He keeps you through…

God wants us to always have that moment of dependence on Him…that’s all He asks…we depend on Him not just in heartrending moments but in pleasant ones. Now don’t forget this moment… this moment of hanging only to His heartbeat… because this will keep us holding on….Hold fast… help is on the way…

‘Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God.

I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’

Isaiah 41:10

. pain

Pain pinches the softest muscle of your heart and blocks all the positivities that can encourage your mind. It tells your whole body to stop and to just stare as the whole world around you goes by. It makes you crunch in one corner of the bed and realize you’re starting to love sleeping horizontally on the bed. Sometimes, it makes you think of sleeping and waking up only after 10 years. Pain has the power to introduce to you the word FEAR which you bypassed when all things began. It leads you to doubt until you finally lose all your faith. You try your very best to fight it off but pain seems to creep in every part of your body, every aspect of your life and in every corner of your world.

Pain sucks out every inch of hope and inspiration that has built you and has filled you. It covers all amount of victory you once had and makes you wonder if you’ll get by this once again. Pain seems to overwrite all intelligence, degrees, trainings, and achievement you’ve been busy with. Pain makes you hear nothing. Pain makes you lose your clock.

It makes you come into a fetal position…eyes wide open, staring at the blank wall, mind freezing

… heart slowly crushing and no matter how numb you feel…and how slowly you die down… tears fall.

. Pain

My Christmas Playlist

Christmas wouldn’t be complete without the carols. Me and my brother grew up with dad and mom playing old & new Christmas carols in many different versions. I even remember when I was still in high school...one December night...our family sat by the stairs of our rented apartment...the house dark and Christmas lights were the only sparks that we have while carols sung by the Osbourne brothers are being played in our old Akai stereo. So even as years passed by, me & my brother have always been a fan of Christmas carols. Inspired by a set of Christmas carols sung in ATS chapel one time, I decided to make my top ten list and consistently play them this December. One of my professors, an OT scholar, mentioned to me the theology behind them while we sang and I enjoyed analyzing them myself. It speaks so much of Jesus, NT words combined with OT words. But taking away those stuff... simply put, these songs touched my heart.

On our way home from a family get-together last December 25, my brother played a Christmas carol and said it’s his number 2 favorite. He too has a list! Just as I suspected! He made everyone in the car guess what’s his no.1 and I was the only one who guessed it right… I’ve known him the longest and I know what’s on top of his list.

Let me share my list here and I’ve included some significant lines from the songs (&carols) that made me feel the real meaning of Christmas… Love, Salvation, Hope… yes, there is hope.

My Christmas Playlist

1. How deep the Father’s love

“…How great the pain of searing loss, The Father turns His face away As wounds which mar the chosen One, Bring many sons to glory…”

2. Count Your blessings (Diana Krall)

“…If you're worried and you can't sleep, Just count your blessings instead of sheep. And you'll fall asleep counting your blessings…”

3. Thou didst leave thy throne

            “…O come to my heart, Lord Jesus, There is room in my heart for Thee!”

4. Christmas Lights (Coldplay)

“Those Christmas lights Light up the street down where the sea and city meet may all your troubles soon be gone …Oh Christmas lights keep shining on”

“…Up above candles on air flicker, Oh they flicker and they float but I'm up here holding on to all those chandeliers of hope”

5. It came upon a midnight clear version (Kutless version)

“…O ye beneath life's crushing load, whose forms are bending low, who toil along the climbing way with painful steps and slow; Look now, for glad and golden hours come swiftly on the wing; Oh rest beside the weary road and hear the angels sing.”

6. What child is this by mercy me

“…Raise, raise the song on high, the virgin sings her lullaby: Joy, joy, for christ is born, the babe, the son of mary!”

7. Hark the herald angels sing (charles Wesley)

“… the incarnate Deity Pleased as man with man to dwell Jesus, our Emmanuel Hark! The herald angels sing...Glory to the newborn King!"

8. The first noel 18^th century Ralph vaughn Williams

“…Then let us all with one accord sing praises to our heavenly Lord That hath made Heaven and earth of nought and with his blood mankind has bought. Noel, Noel, Noel, Noel Born is the King of Israel! “

9. Christmas like a child (Third Day) (my top3 most played song this December)

“…I wanna feel Christmas, how it used to be with all of its wonder falling on me the season is felt so empty, Oh for quite awhile I wanna feel Christmas Like a child…”

10. Shake it up (The Train)

“…Shake up the Happiness… Wake up the Happiness… Shake up the happiness…Its Christmas time.”

Allan James’ (my brother) Only Top 2 Christmas Songs

… he said he has only 2 top favorite carols

1. Let it Snow

“… oh the weather outside is frightful but the fire is so delightful, and since we’ve no place to go… let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!”

2. Count Your Blessings (same as mine J)

How about you? What’s your favorite Christmas song? or what soothes you this Christmas? My song #4 isn’t really a happy carol but it definitely warms my heart. The top on my list is not considered a carol but it tells of how significant to me the birth of Jesus is. He is my one and only Christmas. Hugs to Jesus & back!

MERRY MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

*note: search the songs in you tube and enjoy them! December isn’t over yet!

wait 'til it comes... pray 'til it happens...

I’m impatient. I am persistent. I remember when I was still a kid my dad would always say that when I request or ask for something I’ll keep repeating myself. When I grew a little older I heard him telling me the same especially when I remind him of payments in school. When I had my first formal relationship, he said I’m the most overly-eager person he ever met. My girl bestfriend whom I grew up with spiritually said the same thing to me. There seems to be some recurrent theme here. And it proves my first statement. I’m impatient.

For a month now, God has been telling me themes on waiting. I read a book on waiting and a friend suggested I listen to a song that will inspire me to wait. Umm, do I look like that importunate?

But honestly, I’ve never dealt with waiting like this. I’ve never stretched my patience this way. And I’ve never reflected on me this much. I am learning much about myself and the Lord is personally dealing with me. I am dealing with it face to face.

I’m not a prayer warrior. I miss the days when I listen to music, read the bible and pray until I sleep on God’s strong lap or comforting arms. Years and events have passed and those nights are vivid in my mind but I just can’t seem to do it. Was I overtaken by seminary and ministry life? Until I found myself needing that moment again. It is like getting sick and realizing you’ve neglected your vitamins. But please don’t think that I don’t pray. I do! When I had my “retreat in daily life” with a spiritual adviser… I had very critical praying nights… I dialogue with God in the most personal way. But I just don’t have the same intense loving prayer I had years ago when I just listen. These past few months… I’m having them all over again. I am enjoying listening to God and comforting me in many ways… it transforms me. I see it, I feel it and the agonizing pain that comes with it is for me an indication that indeed something is happening in me. I’m learning.

I’m on a journey then I can say. The agony of waiting is painful enough, not to mention the heat I go through just like being molded into silver. The process is hard, the journey is painful. But what made me move on with courage is His comfort and peace. His love, His strength, His grace & His mercy. He is not giving up on me… so I’m not giving up. What a wonderful God.

The most unbelievable thing here for me is to see myself realizing things and actually offering to God in prayer how I’m to do it. It is facing myself and dealing with my own challenging areas. This is an opportunity for me and I need to seize it! absorb it and find the beauty in it… despite the pain & the tears.

I’m but human. I feel. The journey to waiting and prayer led me to silence and just listen to Him. He’s my teacher and each day I hear something from Him. He is my comfort. He is my peach. He is my strength and He pushes me to move… and stand my ground.

He pushes me to wait until the day comes… and to enjoy praying and be transformed by it! I am beginning to understand things, yet I realized there’s still much to learn. Life is short to be passive. People pass by not too often so I better make the most out of relationships. Opportunities to learn that I may have a better future may not come again, so despite the agony… I need to grab the chance to learn.

I don’t know the end to this journey… it may never even come. It may even end the other way around. But i have now… this moment to wait until what I’m waiting for comes… and I have to enjoy my conversation, consultation and learning from the God… who at the same time has His ready hands, shoulders and embrace to comfort and affirm me. Without God….I would definitely be nothing. 

*note from streams in the dessert

Across the ocean...

There should be more to this…

What occurred over the past few days are all… in reality…very overwhelming. But I refuse to be overwhelmed. I am talking to myself and setting my mind not to go overboard. Women tend to do that. Women would go over than what actually happened and think way ahead of whatever there is now. Most men wouldn’t think that way. I just want to spend time remembering over and over again what happened and let it stay that way… for now. I hope.

Yet I don’t have plans of forgetting all that happened over the 7 days that I spent across the ocean. For me, the more I get contented with one moment, another great thing happen on top of it. Until I realize that to compile them all, it is one great story. It was the best week of my life. I’ve never been this thankful that whenever I think of it… I cry happy tears.

On our way across the ocean,  I only had one prayer that in this trip God will show me a confirmation enough for me to stay in this journey with him. I’ve never ever felt this way for so many years. The many years that I depended on myself and did everything myself, here comes someone offering a hand.  

I don’t know what but maybe it was the way you looked at my eyes, or the way you held and pressed my hand, or the way you hugged me close to you that told me you’re actually here by my side. Was it the whispers you gave me or the fact that you showed your care? Maybe it was when you covered the window to protect me from the sun or when you wanted me close during the journey. There was something there… there must be more to those things that happened.

Or could it be the way we had plain joy and fun playing and joking around with each other, walking hand in hand exploring a whole new different place that made it all extremely memorable… maybe that added to it.

Your good night the first day and your good morning the second day, and the personal good nights and good mornings each day that I opened my eyes gave me more than joy. Anything more than that is like a bonus from God. It was across the ocean that God gave me simple joys through you. I believe that they were the confirmations and the many things about what you showed me that left me in awe.

All these are memories I don’t ever want to forget. It is the first time I felt like crying because of joy with just these actions… Every time I thank God because of what happened to us… tears fall down and my heart jumps. This time alone...while we were across the ocean, gave so much joy to my life.

If this is God’s confirmation then I am willing to stay and wait…  

Summer Picnic

         

            It was the very first summer picnic of our lives

            Every drying plant appeared as green as it can be

            as we sat under a shady tree we claimed to be ours

            and took in the breeze of the lagoon in front of us

            It was the very first summer picnic of our lives

            We basked under the rays of the sun peeking 

                      through the leaves above us

            We witnessed how it moved from East to West 

                     bringing us along the journey

            It felt like God’s way of telling us that there will 

                     be a long journey ahead

 

            We waited on to watch it drop down 

                     behind the trees

            Not darkening our glimpse of 

                    what’s in store

            But rather leaving us an excited 

                    feeling of hope

            That coming are wonderful days 

                   of beautiful sunsets for us

            It was the very first summer picnic of our lives

            God’s amazing creation witnessed as we     

            We shared stories of our lives, thoughts, and laughter

            Moments that bonded us with the natural environment 

                   around us

            We were like two beautiful flowers waiting to 

                  bloom in spring time

            Or like two cocoons waiting to be hatched,

            And when the beautiful butterfly comes out

            We’ll be looking forward to the spring, autumn 

                 and winter picnics of our lives.

            This is just the very first summer picnic of our lives. 

Ruthie was afraid to swim...

Ruthie never thought she’ll be afraid to dive in the water. For some years now, Ruthie has been acting cool not being able to have a taste of the ocean nor the pool that was once hers. She was once a swimmer and has always loved swimming. She lived in complete contentment just by jumping over from that springboard as she gracefully launches her stroke. Ruthie loved the water so much. She was a pro in this field.

Years went by and new opportunities happen, swimmers came and swimmers go until she realized that this sport is way past behind her. She sobbed for sometime as she lets go of the one true thing that matters to her heart. In prayer, she heard the Lord leading her to other sports that would need her expertise. Younger swimmers came and Ruthie knew it was time to give them the stage.

Ruthie took on her new career with much hope and enthusiasm. Having developed strong legs and arms all through her swimming career, Ruthie was now running and climbing. She bravely traversed every road and the once watery arena that she conquered was changed into fields of stones and concretes and other earthly substance. More so, she was teaching others to properly do the same. Ruthie equipped herself and mastered in this field. She was not just a runner or a climber… she became a mentor and teacher to others. She became a pro in this field.

Years and years passed. Never did Ruthie expect an opportunity to once dive in would come. But this could be the last dive of her life. The last swim she’ll ever take. But there is a hitch before she can make her stroke. She has to wait and train and practice discipline again for some time. She’ll be part of a team that she totally haven’t met before. To win, she has to go through the same rigid training she once was threading through when she was a star swimmer athlete. Victory would mean a coveted swimmer athlete award. Only the fittest swimmers can go through this. Only those with tough swimming experience.

Ruthie said yes to the challenge. But she almost dragged herself to go through days of warm up and required preps. She was almost hesitant to go through this same, pressuring, hard-knock training in swimming. But something tells her this victory might be hers. As she started her swim routines, Ruthie was dumbfounded looking at the water beneath the springboard. Ruthie cannot dive in. Her knees shook and inside her, she knew she was scared. It was still part of the training process but she can’t start. She was too afraid. It felt that as if it is the first time. Ruthie, for the first time didn’t know how to swim.

She forced herself to jump in but every movement in the water was out of whack. Ruthie made a mess.

Before she continued the training process, Ruthie visited her old coach. She knew she had to do this before she ruins what could be her last opportunity to swim. She told him she never thought she would ever be this fearful to dive in. It’s been years.

What the coach told Ruthie shook her off her reverie.

“God’s way with us is to move us from dependence and immaturity to responsibility. There are no soft options in this journey.”* He told Ruthie that she has received many blessings in the swimming field way back and even in her marathons and climbing expeditions and even in touching other people’s lives. But now, she must joyfully accept the difficulties of training and discipline again in order to be transformed into a much greater swimmer.

And her mentor added…

Difficulty from the hand of a loving God is but a future blessing in disguise.*

Hebrews 10:36 says, You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.

After cries and pleas in prayer, Ruthie felt she could somehow jump in. Her knees still shake. There is even a new fear of drowning. She knew this couldn’t be her field anymore but she saw this training as another way to transform her. That could be the victory she can achieve.

Though with feeble hands and bones, and fearful eyes, with God’s hand guiding her… Ruthie thinks she will be able to dive in. And that alone is her victory. J

“You have granted me many blessings; now let me also accept what is hard from your hand.”

 Prayer from Prison by Dietrich Bonhoeffer.

* Coach’s words are from Charles Ringma, Seize the Day with Dietrich Bonhoeffer. 

Broken to Serve...

It took more than just a tear drop to ask the Lord “why me?” I intended it not to sound as if I’m angry at Him… no I’m not. I just wanted to know the purpose… the why…

I can say that in the area of brokenness, and pain… I’m an expert. Ask me about it and I can recount to you countless moments when I cried, fell on my knees and spent days and nights alone just talking to Him and imagining my head on His lap. Maybe He enjoyed that moment of my undivided attention so it kept coming.

But sometimes it’s just soo hard to fall and realize you’re left feeling unworthy of everything. And I don’t know how to explain it all but in the middle of tears and sobs, I hear Him calling me for something. Isn’t that a little ironic? The more I am broken the more I can hear His voice…

My quiet talks with Him lately, and reflective moments (that comes with age), made me see who I am in front of Him. It made me analyze the wrong turns that I’ve taken and those times that I took the wheel of my life from Him. Plus the circumstances of disobedience… Each day He makes me see the real cost of being a disciple and follower. Learning from the lives of those whom He has chosen in the New Testament, I saw just how unworthy I am to be called. But they learned… and now I should learn from it too. I should take those characteristics and use it in the context of how I’m living my life.

Reading their lives and how the Lord called them sounded so easy… but as I experience this character & heart clean-up by the Lord, it can never be harder than how it was for Peter, John, or James then… Now, I have them as examples so I would know what to do… maybe I shouldn’t make it that hard for me… maybe I’m putting too much pressure on myself… am I ? Or am I too laid back?

Just before I wrote this, I read Jesus’ encounter with His disciples while they were trying to catch some fish. It was, I believe, the third time he appeared to them after He raised from the dead. (John 21)… and after that I felt ashamed… I had sooo little trust and sooo big doubts. I doubted that the Lord will work out my life… I’m soo bad… and He talked to me in that chapter! He reminded me that He is bigger than any doubt in my mind. I was even in awe when a woman mentor in church whom I look up a lot to (not to mention listen a lot to) said something to me about the cross. God never fails and He will not forsake us.. He still can do His plan no matter what it caused…He made a move once on the cross to show us His everlasting love for us…my dear...don't despair.

Just seeing the word cross made me bow down in humility… that I am really weak and can’t do anything no matter how hard I work. I have doubts and fears yes, but the great sacrifice He made on the cross is so powerful. That my God is still in control of everything. Isn’t it comforting to know? That He is in-charge of my life no matter what. Oh why couldn’t I trust Him more!!!

The disciples had too much hard encounters with Him. They also had heart-clean-ups. They were broken, they defiled, they had doubts too… but they were called to be His servants. They were asked to obey and to follow because of His love. The love that can surpass the love this empty world has made us see…

I am weak yes, not even worthy of anything… but His great love, as shown on the cross, has made me able to do all these things


I can say I am broken, even have a contrite spirit… but I can hear Him calling me… not just an instrument but a servant… I can feel and see His work in me… I just need strength.

“But God wants people who are broken-hearted, broken-minded, broken-prided”
Oswald Chambers

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted,

and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”
Psalm 34:18 (NIV)

Lausanne Younger Leaders Gathering

His Provision & Comfort
Until now I am amazed at how the Lord enabled me to attend the gathering Plus airfare, pocket money and preparations we have to spend for before the conference. We (Ellen & me) started to pull resources so we could not miss this since we both wanted to be a part of YLG. Surprisingly, we were given full scholarships by Lausanne. ECPM provided our airfare and church mates, friends and relatives offered us more than we expected… this we believe is His way because He wanted us to do something for Him.

The Why
During the first plenary session, I had a question in my mind. I was asking the Lord why… why… why… I’m sure He wanted something from me as my response. I prayed for guidance and I asked Him to let this be my Mt. Sinai where I could talk to Him.
The second plenary caught me by surprise. While everyone was singing, I closed my eyes and cried.

Oh that wonderful cross… oh the wonderful cross
Bids me come and die and find that I may truly live!

I remember that night… the state of the gospel was presented. That is the time my heart gave away. His voice was so loud in my mind and in my heart. That night I stayed up late praying and talking to Him and reading His words. Then I woke up 5am the next day and sat under a coconut tree by the beach. The sun rises late in Malaysia. Around 7:30am that is just when the sun begins showing so you could just imagine how dark it was around 5am but I can’t forget how I witnessed the break of dawn and morning comes in. I stayed there ‘til 7am just talking to the Lord.

Yes He wanted something from me… I can see the big picture.

Unity in Diversity
It took my breath away to see 550 Christians from 110 nations all having the same heartbeat. A cry to seek His face and lead us all to where He wants us to be. Differences were smashed and love, unity and respect was in place. Though not all perfect, I felt the Lord’s wonderful grace to connect us to each other, no matter what your culture, tradition, ideas, or views may be… we all thought, planned, worshipped and prayed… This as we all say is a foretaste of heaven…

My Small Group
I have never been blessed the way I was when I heard their life stories. We all made life maps sharing what occurred in our lives. We agreed on one thing. That clearly, the Lord has weaved every road and every part of our lives to bring us to where we are now. That though we might think He is quiet, He is working out something for us. Carefully, he was working out our lives according to His own will for us.
My group is composed of women from US – Colorado & Boston, Latvia, Indonesia, Lithuania, Iraq, and a German who is in Oxford now. I learned a lot from them. Not just foreign words and accents but I realized how powerful God is. I’ve heard issues about oppression, racial discriminations, illness, confusions, and rejections. But all these were used by the Lord for His glory. Isn’t that amazing?
Our small group mentor is so great. Amazing, bubbly and really generous. She made sure all our needs during the conference were taken care of. She listened intently to our stories, cried when we cry and laugh so hard when we laugh. She makes jokes and she comforts us with the Lord’s words. Sandy is an Australian and she has given us resources on counseling and mentoring. They’re a part of my life now. And we made vows with each other. They’re my prayer partners now and we have managed to keep in touch.


The Workshops
Learning was one of the greatest blessings in YLG. I was blessed to able to attend 4 workshops that will affect the different aspects of my life and ministry. 1)Living in the Word- how to gain a deeper grasp of God’s word for my life and ministry 2)Leading & Communicating – learning to understand the skills of communicating in terms of leading others 3) Learning to Connect – how can God teach & develop me through the people around me and relationships with others.. 4) Leadership & disciple-making – how can we model a faith that others will want to chase after?


The Philippines (and Asia)
During the state of the gospel, I learned that the Philippines have more Christians now. And that majority of the missionaries come from Asia. But majority comes not from the western side but from Mongolia. Everyday, more and more are coming to the Lord in Asia while in some parts of the world, Christians are asking fro back ups. The problem before us (accdg. To stats) 1 out of 40 missionaries go to unevangelized. While, 80% is going to the churched.


Christianity in the Philippines is growing up and the Lord is doing more for our country. Could it be possible then for us to now send MORE MISSIONARIES? Asians are on the move now. We are now able to send out. We are now being asked specially those in the middle east to please help them. What are we doing in our country? A lot has expressed that they see potential from the Philippines so maybe it is time for us to go out of our shell.


Some words that strike me was when they said the “the scariest thing is that we’ll succeed in things that don’t matter”


All I’m sure of is that the Lord is asking something from the Philippines. It’s our time to go out and send more missionaries. Let’s play our role in the kingdom building!


The Challenge
Now that I’ve heard the why… the final task is yet to be done. My WHY question has now changed to when, where and how? Yes I see the big picture but the details no idea yet. The first major step is what I have been asking from the Lord. He has planted something in my heart. A prompting to which I said yes before but in the course of my life denied it and now, He opened it up again.


Another challenge is the effect it will have in my church and ECPM. I can see that ECPM will soon be taking big leaps of faith and maybe I could help in that leap that’s why the Lord allowed me to attend YLG. Also during the conference while talking and sharing other Christians what we do in ECPM and YMC… I saw the beauty of these ministries. I really appreciated all the work we do for YMC and ECPM.


This tour I believe is a gift from God. It is an eye opener for me and really an opportunity for me to see that even the farthest place here on Earth is controlled by the Lord. Imagine the many Christians I met and they are now somewhere in the north, east, west and south of the world working to bring the whole gospel to the whole world.


Please continue to be my prayer partners as I seek His direction in my ministry. You are a part of it and you have contributed a lot for me and for the Lord most especially. Thank you for being a blessing. I’m sure the Lord is with me and you in the journey.

“ The Eternal God is your refuge

and beneath are the everlasting Arms”
Deutoronomy 33:27 (NIV)

Beauty in Clouds

11:15 am – aboard Air Asia flight AK 33
As I am writing this, all I see are clouds! I almost defied plane rules and almost took pictures of the beauty I see by my window. I’m off to Malaysia, my 1st international flight. I am really in awe of what I am seeing. How can you find beauty in clouds? I see peace & tranquility. Just before today, I was preoccupied with worries and fear (ooopppsss there is turbulence – 11:20am) that while I am out for 2 weeks, anything can happen. I was asking the Lord to cover that fear. And I told Him I believe that since He allowed me this, He will take care of everything. Then as I read my devotional, the Lord reminded me again that only in His words could I get the peace & tranquility I was looking for. then I saw these clouds… a symbol of peace, purity, calmness & beauty. Just plain & simple beauty. The Lord gave me these clouds to remind me that I am completely under His care & no worries or fears would shake the hands that hold me. God blessed me… & yes, these clouds gave me peace…

Copyright... yeah right!

A few a weeks ago in class… a research & writing class at that, everyone was in a frenzy talking about copyrights, public domains, patents, next of kin… and the cherry on top --- PLAGIARISM.

Let me tell you first what a Research & Writing class is all about. It’s a required subject for new students of Asian Theological Seminary (ATS). It teaches of the standards used by ATS in writing theological papers and others. Just last Thursday, we were taught how a reflection paper should be. Here we are able to master how to make footnotes, bibliographies and etc. in the Turabian form, which is the standard form for ATS.

My classmate Kuya Jesse, a good writer and a wide reader, was voicing how he’s freaking out writing his papers for our other classes, thinking that some of his thoughts might have been also a thought of some other theologian or writer without him really knowing it. And maybe, the teacher will accuse him of plagiarism.

That’s my dilemma also, what if some principles I’ve been keeping to myself is also a principle of another person and he wrote it in a book and had it published, then my teacher read it but I didn’t. Then I submit a paper with that thought and my teacher accuses me of getting other people’s thoughts, but I really didn’t… oh well… I dunno…

Then in touching the issue of “idea-grabbing”, I remember the videos I make for other people’s birthday, or for someone’s wedding… I remember what happened when I made a very special avp for a close close friend’s wedding. Their videographer got the copy of the avp I made because it will be embedded in their wedding video. That same videographer was hired by my friend’s(who got married) cousin who also got married. My friend immediately relayed to me how frustrated he was when he saw his cousin’s avp very much the one I made for them. The pictures were just changed and some of the words… but the story line used was my story line! Although I don’t want to sound really selfish… it’s just at least they had the decency to ask my permission. I felt bad for feeling like I was violated specially that I am doing those videos for free, and really personalized for my loved ones. It’s been like my ministry and I don’t ask for anything in return. While those who got it and used it even earns from it.

Now isn’t that really unfair? I could have allowed them to use my material or sources if they had done what should be done in those cases. They could have at least cited me in the end… hahahaha

As from what I’ve heard, the Philippines has a local copyright law but it’s not quite clear to me if its aligned with the international copyright law.

Well this subject matter made me aware of citing sources specially now that I have research works and I teach some simple subjects in our modules for campus ministry. This really opened my eyes to the sometimes unfair parameters of plagiarism. Hehehe…. And this made me aware that now that I have ideas on the books I’m praying and planning to write… I should act fast so I could have it copyrighted before someone else gets it published before I do…. Yaaaayyyy….

I then realized… if you write something and you’re at peace that you’ve cited the source or if you believe that it’s really your thought after all... why be worried….right? Oh and by the way, I’ve learned tons of other stuff about copyright and things… I am still amazed at how a Research & Writing class could really be interesting and really enjoyable… ok, ok… the people in it could be one of the reasons…. My classmates - pastors, missionaries, and kingdom builders… wow… they’re all super funny.

And I super thank God for them… for this class and for how I am being exposed.

My Cup of Tea...

I have this favorite drink. I can’t sleep without having even just a cup of it. I have developed this passion for tea. The last time I remembered being hooked to it was during my college days. I would drink cups and cups of it thinking I’d get my tummy smaller. But my liking for it died away, because thesis time introduced the wonders of coffee to me. And just this year, before my brother got married, I did come back to the drink I realized I always loved. I am now avoiding coffee. And every night, I & my brother have this habit of drinking tea. His is with honey while I have it plain. When my mom was here, she would also ask me to make her tea with honey. My dad randomly drinks tea within the day…and yes, also with honey.

In Starbucks I always order one tall hot Tazo green tea, with or without honey. When surfing the net or doing my papers at night, I always have a hot tea beside me. We’ve been trying to convince my sister-in-law but no, she’d rather drink C2 tea. In time maybe she will love it too.

I don’t know why but I love tea. It soothes me in a different way and calms me. It gives me a sense of warmth and safety. It’s like I am secure. And I even love the fact that I know the tea will put out the unnecessary toxins out of my body. So I don’t mind having more trips in the toilet to put it out. Because I know it helps. I love the feeling when I hold my hot mug with two hands then sip it and feel refreshed.

The Lord is more than a hot green tea for me. He brings me peace and calmness despite the many storms of my life. I couldn’t sleep without thanking Him, praising Him, or talking to Him. He is the only name in my heart I wouldn’t want to forget. Sometimes I tend to lessen my time with Him when I have other sources of happiness or joy. But I was never happy doing it. I was never satisfied with a life without my deep conversations with the Lord.

The Lord rejuvenates me… day after day, each night after a day in this world, He is the one thing I look for. He is more than a cup of tea. He is the one thing I couldn’t live without. I’d rather miss the tea than not to be able to have the chance of asking Him to refresh my soul. His words and love has always made me survive.

Just last week I feel stressed out. Sleepy, tired and sad. Really sad that I drank 2 cups of coffee in just one day. I was trying to look for something that will jolt me up. That will keep me up. After which, I felt sorry for drinking coffee. I have avoided it for sometime and yet I came back. I was so down I felt like I added more to my worries.

For the past week, I’ve been contemplating on giving up something. I never told anyone. I started to think of the pros and cons. I tried to see if I was the one who has a problem why this certain part of my life isn’t functioning well.

One night, I decided to go back to my cup of tea. And that night, I decided to pour it out to my Lord. I told Him my fears, worries and questions. I wrestled with Him asking repeatedly to give me even just one tiny answer. I asked Him to flush out all the worries and fears that I have. I asked Him to detoxify me of all those that is haunting me just like my cup of tea.

And He did. He gave me a reason… one small reason for me to hold on. And that is enough. That is enough for me to realize that I still belong to Him. That my security is still in the Lord. That my days, and nights, are only for Him. That I have every reason to look forward to great things. That in due time He will answer my specific prayer. That He will hear me cry. Just as long as I surrender to His ways. Not do it my own way.

He is my cup of tea. I will always go back to my cup of hot tea no matter how inviting the aroma of the coffee in school may be or no matter how wonderful cappuccino is, I will always look for my tall hot Tazo green tea. With or without honey.

The Lord is the one and only one my heart will look for. He is the only one my body and soul will ever need. He is the only one that will remain when everything else fails. And I know, He will keep on sustaining me, refreshing me and upholding me.

He is more than my cup of tea… He is my world, and He is my everything.