Sunday, July 01, 2012

W.I.W


There we were, under thousands of stars gazing and talking. What’s in for us? What’s down that road? Did you intend for this to happen? He asked. I didn’t, did you? I asked back. No, it was God’s natural way…  I smiled. I wasn’t looking at him, I was looking at the stars and even if I can’t see his face, I felt there was sincerity in it. At the back of my mind, at the pounding of my heart, I felt the voice of my God telling me, daughter… this is it. I looked far away and decided to hold back anything I would want to feel. Dumbfounded, I sit still looking at the vast ocean as if the distance of the moon at the end of the sea line is immeasurable.

I allowed time to pass by just to see if all this was just a spur of the moment. I acted numb and as if nothing happened the following days shooing any emotional feel girls would feel in the hype of a“would-be” relationship. I spent my days like a horse whose eyes were covered at the sides to make him focused of just the straight road ahead – with no distractions. But all those were futile. I did try, but I had to admit something really is here welling up in my heart.

There we were again, back in the same scene gazing and talking again. What’s in for us? What’s down that road? Should we do it or take things in stride? Spending time in quiet prayer and seeking away from each other… there was one thing we both decided to do. We both want to Walk it well. No rush…. Since the Lord gave it to us naturally… we’ll do things, we’ll decide things according to His leading for us. I was surprised that I was talking to the same person I used to call “boy”… he was now talking like a man… different from the way I thought he’d be. As he talked my head turned and then I looked at his eyes. There’s something here I didn’t see before.

I walked thousand roads like these many times before and they ended up hurting me. I didn’t want that to happen this time. He’s had his own share of indignant events. So we both decided that we’ll not push too hard but all we have to do is act naturally, with much prayer… no…with much much much prayer. And if the Lord brought us together naturally, then we’d take each step only according to how He’ll direct us. To do that, we need unceasing prayer, careful watch of our own character and trustful openness.  We really want to walk it well.

Walk it well. It means striving to work out our differences maintaining our individuality. It means complementing each other with strength when one has lost the power to go on. It means facing things from outside forces that may break us down. It means handling our own weakness and humbly learning to improve and rise above it. Walking it well means a lot for the both of us. And if we don’t walk with our Master, we’ll both lose the step. We’d get lost… until heartaches happen all over again.

Yes, maybe this is God’s right time for me, when suddenly he sees me in a different light. This happened now that I’m alive, enjoying my relationship with Him and realizing what He wants for me to do even though I was stubborn and hard headed. This is my time, our time… but it’s just beginning.


Question is where would we be at the end of this journey? We don’t know yet, we both agree we’re not rushing. We would rather walk slowly… feel every breath of fresh air in joy and every sweat in damp air when things get tough. We’d like to really see for ourselves who we are individually and who we are together.  We’re not perfect but we’d like to enjoy the ride of imperfectness and blunders. Learning and standing up from it all. We really don’t know what’s ahead. No one knows. But He does! And we can only do this if we hold the hand of the One who brought our hands together. With Him we want to see what’s really out there for us. With Him we want to know His purpose, His heart and His direction…We want to feel the rhythm of His own timing for us. With Him, from here on… we want to Walk It Well. 

Saturday, February 11, 2012

The Barefoot Princess...

An early day felt cold and quiet… the barefoot princess found herself in the dessert once again and felt tears welling up inside her.  

The barefoot princess has walked by this endless road a million times before but there’s something here that she can’t explain. She knew that as this year started, it will be a year of decisions. A year of clearing the hazy path she’s been having the past year. Again, she was prodded to go back and think… to seek His path for her and to realize what He wants for her… she needs to see a way out of this dessert.

The barefoot princess was told it’s time to act and prepare. She is being asked to put down something in exchange for that. Now what that is she doesn’t know. She’s been staring at nothing since last night, thinking what will she lay down in exchange of knowing where the road for her is. She feels the grainy sand beneath her feet and it’s hurting her.

She asked the King… “Where are you leading me? Could you point the way out? I feel thirsty and I don’t want to be in this sandy road. My feet’s all bruised up. Please bring me out of here or soon I’ll die with no water and food.” The barefoot princess pleas for food, water and a way out… crying hard that she finds what she needs to see.

Just as she was succumbing to passing out and woozing out, the King then scoops her up in His arms blew a breeze of fresh air towards her closed eyes….

 “My daughter, yes you are the barefoot princess now wandering about the grainy sand. You may be thirsty wandering where the well is, where the way out is, where your own path is. Be assured that the dessert is not as dry as you thought it is.  Thirsty? Hungry? All bruised up? I will provide the fish, the bread, the well and road for you. Just hold on. Remember, there is an oasis by the dessert… you’ll come to that.” My barefoot princess… my daughter, keep holding on to your faith… walk on. Continue to trust in me even if everything seems forlorn. You are almost there. My strength will keep you up. You know my voice and you know my heart… The miracle is coming.”

The barefoot princess realized, miracles still do happen… she doesn’t know how the King will work it out for her but she will continue to hold on and bear the pain of the grainy and hot sand beneath her feet while in her own dessert. She decided to hold on as the King leads her to the well, to her miracle.


I am the barefoot princess… and I decided to run through the dessert with the power of my Father… I don’t know how but He is bigger than all of this. I will hold tight.

** Inspired by words from Luke 9:12-17 when Jesus fed the 5,000 with just 2 fish and 5 loaves of bread. 

Friday, January 27, 2012

The Fusion Chef



I call him the "Fusion Chef"... errr... actually he's known to be the Chief Nurse... so might as well call him the "Fusion Chef Nurse". Just the title gives one an idea that he's a man of all sorts. No confusion but he's passionate with his profession yet he loves to cook and he's got a weird taste bud that loves to mix food together and discover what tastes good and not, giving grimace a run for his money.


So why am i blogging about this? We share the same passion for food. And i love to see him eat since it wouldn't be good for me to eat as much as he does...

What's interesting about this dish though, as our main lead for today... is you would never guess what comes with that pork. This piece of protein was seasoned in soy sauce, fish sauce, salt, ketchup, pepper, “magic sarap”(pinoy spice) and ham seasoning. I have never mixed fish sauce and soy sauce in my life. But the Chef Nurse did, which makes this a fusion dish. Mixing spices and seasonings is very critical in the kitchen. You have to know what you’re mixing together to make sure your dish won’t end up in the bin. As far as I can remember, 9 out 10 of the fusions the chef nurse did made sense… made good sense. So I am convinced he’s worthy to be given the title. I never have expected that mixing adobo (a famous Filipino dish) and spicy anssung noodles (Korean dish) would taste like a corn dish and turn out to be good. You’d know a dish would taste good if you hear him say “there’s a woah! Factor”

Seriously… fusion may be critical and the end product would really be a risk. But you would never know how it would taste if you won’t take a bold step to take it. In life… here goes the serious part… fusion is not bad at all. Reflecting on this fusion dish, the fusion chef and my life… this has something to do with contradictions. I love contradictions! It is the mixture of good and bad and the coming together of extreme joy and heart-quenching pain. In our life… things are not all that smooth. Even God didn’t promise a life that is smooth-sailing. Our journey is simply learning to cope and finding how to battle through it all. One would never learn that without the right perspective and connection with the Father.

Our God is not only present in the good and happy times… one simply have to learn to discover the beauty of God’s comfort even in pain. This I have to be reminded of everyday. Even in the dark moments of our soul, we can find good things in it. We can feel His healing embrace and His touch that gives us hope. I’m a sucker for pain, crying and dealing with the hard times in my life. I get the most out of them. Not just being emotional or being over-analytical… simply reflecting and seeing that everything that happens in my life, may it be a product of my own bad decisions or something out of my control, it will contribute in how my character is being shaped. All that happens in my life – pain or joy, failures or victories, are weaved into how the Lord wanted me to fulfill my purpose. The key here is daily re-aligning our heart to Him. That we may gently get in through the fusion of it all.

Fusion happens. It is a part of our life. And getting to know the Fusion Chef Nurse made me realize a lot of things. Even getting this close to the fusion chef is amazing. We may live in different planes but somehow there's a common denominator that fuses us. I didn't even realize he's different from the way I thought he'd be hadn't I taken a leap to know him better. He surprises me each day. He may not know it but his fusion-ness is a reminder for me to enjoy life with the Lord no matter what comes… that there is always hope… that there is every reason to say “hooray for today!” Our journey involves taking risks and then being surprised that the end would give us reasons to jump and be happy. Failures may come but there is always another chance. A chef masters his own signature dish if when his first try gives a bad result… there is another chance to eliminate the seasoning or spice he shouldn’t add. The chef simply learns and cooks all over again.

The fusion chef nurse told me that he was surprised the pork turned out good and the skin tasted well as if you’re not eating any of its fat portion. I am simply thankful that we have a good God. That He continually gives us surprises no matter how bleak our days may seem or how risky our steps may be. God is a God of surprises. The key here is connecting our lives to Him. We have to do that everyday… or else, we will be caught up in the fusion of everything that happens in our journey and we end up in confusion. Armed with God’s hand… I would rather be in the fusion of it all. Happy eating! 

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Being Alive

The past year gave me flatlines, ER’s and heart attacks. I was on the edge barely breathing. I almost threw in the towel and retire my running shoes. I never thought I’d make it until the 31st of December and even step on to a new year. It was the year I almost never stopped crying. When you wake up everyday and you feel a pinch in your heart. Everyday was a feat… it was the year when each day was offered early to God asking him to be the sturdy crutches… for I was losing my grip…

Then He told me to choose between being disabled and facing the truth then giving in for treatment. I became my own patient… my own counselee.

I can’t find any other word to describe the magnanimity in the hardness of it all… Yet it was a year better than the last. It was one of my most meaningful years. It was something I won’t forget. I had too much of everything.

The past year made me think it would be the end yet it was at the end of the year that I felt alive and just simply continually breathing.

After succumbing to solo backpack trips and “tunganga” moments, surrendering to contemplative prayer,  cooking more, unceasing prayer for others and finally sustaining running days & eating healthier… I woke up one day feeling alive. As if I have awoken to a big deep sleep. A big sleep where my inner soul was transported to a different dimension under a dialogue and reconstruction with only one being– the Lord. 

After sifting through my own heart and seeing who I am, accepting my own cross and patiently seeking His voice… my eyes were open. It is as if darkness faded and I suddenly saw the light. Finally, my baggage was taken from me and I felt alive… and all that emotion that was clotting my blood was sucked out.  I know there are still bits and pieces of it left but I now trust the Lord more…

I won’t forget how hard I cried feeling as if I am dead and how hard I cried feeling that I am alive again… By the time fireworks were lighting up the skies that last night of 2011 and first morn of 2012… tears rolled down my cheeks… I whispered… thank You Lord for making me a survivor…

Now all I can do is keep breathing because just at that same time I feel it in my heart… You are watching over me, I simply have to trust you and that you are true to your promises. You became my bestest friend this year Lord… You patiently led my hand for a whole year. I can’t explain but a lot has changed within me.

I don’t need to ask what made me survive it all… You were my vitamins that kept me alive.

“You called and shouted broke through my deafness… now I’m breathing in and breathing out…
I’M ALIVE AGAIN!
You shattered my darkness, washed away my blindness…now I’m breathing in and breathing out…
 I’M ALIVE AGAIN!”
-mattmaher

*photo taken at Iba, Zambales Dec. 31, 2011